New House



                Well this will probably be my last ever blog in this house....how weird. I’ve been in my little flat for near enough 12 years now and blimey has the time flown. I remember clearly the first day I set foot in this place, the clear white walls and the open spaces were perfect for need back then but not so any more. Twelve years of an artist living anywhere is enough! There are marks on the walls from drum kits banging up and down the corridor, paint on the wall from old canvases, torn carpet from nights out and endless holes in the wall from continuously rearranging my pictures. I have to admit though, each mark is a memory I completely treasure. This was the first home of my own that I totally loved and to be honest still do and I really hope it can provide the next person who lives here with the same care and attention that it’s provided me with.

                This house held my heart break, held my silence, held my grief and my sadness. This house watched me shed each and every one of those to become joy-filled and light orientated. This house saw endless parties and quiet nights, intimate conversations and full out arguments, beautiful paintings and artistic temperaments’. This house has seen me heart-broken and heart-healed, born witness to me finally learning to love and respect myself. This house has seen friends enter and friends leave, this house has seen me cry more than I thought I could and laugh louder than I knew possible. This has been a place of discovery and acceptance. This place has been sacred to me. This place has been loved. If you believe that homes can house the energy of its occupants I hope the next soul that lives here takes a piece of the peace this space created for me.

                As sad as it is to close this door I am A LOT more excited to be opening the next one. This new house with its fireplaces and rooms and cupboards ( yes I’m excited about a cupboard but after 12 years without one who wouldn’t be? ) I will finally have the space to create and express. Currently I have nowhere to rehearse my music and I have to set up all my paints before I can use them, soon I shall just pop up to my creative room and get going. I can’t wait. Really. I will sit up in the morning with a sea facing bedroom and eat my breakfast in bed. I don’t know what the next house will bring to me but I know I will get to wake up next to someone I love, and that can’t be a bad start can it!

Big Love

Ryan x

Peace and Music.

I can’t really say I’m “back to normal” because what was normal for me was 100 mile an hour mental hysteria! Things have settled though in more ways than one. I have grown a lot and changed a lot, matured a lot and I feel like I’m back in my skin. More than I have been in a long time. It’s weird though isn’t it that you don’t realise how out of whack you get until you either come to a full stop or burn out. I had to experience both to finally put a stop to the internal chatter that was clouding my mind.

My life is peaceful and I mean that deep rooted peace that is born of your spirit. That kind of peace that begins in the soles of your feet and settles in the belly. I have watched over the last six months in particular how that peace seems to be spilling over every area in my life. People, places, situations, all of it is undergoing this personal evolution. I have found this stillness within myself and it’s become integral to me. Anything that is chaotic, inflicting, negative or a weight has been made glaringly obvious and then a way has been shown for it to leave my life. Effortless is the word. My life has become effortless. I love my boyfriend, my dog, my new home, my body, my job, my financial situation and my creative expression.  It’s all where it should be and where I want it to be.

I’ve been back at the piano over the last few days and I can feel the stirrings within my belly again for music. It is different this time. I think I found a reverence for it. Quality not quantity. I think I found the place within me that it should always have been coming from. It literally is like someone picked me up, shook off all the drama I had attached to it and then sat me back down at the keys. It’s taking a while to settle in. I’m watching this peace ride through all other areas of my creativity, art, writing, crafting, sculpture, the whole bunch. I know it’s not quite finished yet and I know there are more things for me to understand but I know now, I feel how completely I am on my way.

Surrendering is the best advice I can give anyone. I bought into the “kicking against the pricks “, the “push and then push some more”, the hard working self defacing persona but I realised all that fight is only ultimately with yourself. I have so much I want to share with you, but I have a little more work to do on myself right now so, in the meantime, I just want to say thank you for listening!

Big Love

RJ

The Palace: A Place for queens.

I remember it like it was yesterday, although it was more moons ago than I dare to count. I had my one good “going out” shirt and my hair was in the just-gone-out-of-fashion curtains. Remember those? No? Damn I am that old.

My first trip to a gay bar was as nerve wracking as you would have expected it to be. That night I kissed my first boy, cried for the first time publically and was comforted by what I can only describe was the most warm and understanding group I have ever found. They were there to watch me take all those awkward first steps from the almost obligatory bleaching of the hair, to the squawking limp wristed wails of the camp defence system right down to the inevitable second teenage-hood and eventually to the quiet and more centred adulthood.

THE PALACE gay bar and nightclub. Those privileged enough to remember it will always have that warm glint in the eye. I know I am in dangerous turf here of slipping into the whole, “it was all better back in the day!” rant and perhaps I am, but its my diary and I’ll write what I want to. So there. Some communities are born out of expression, a coming together with a need to let loose and some communities are born out of a necessity, strength in numbers. The palace seemed a perfect mix of the two. While the gay culture is right now in its “token” phase ( one in every sitcom/soap opera and movie for the sole purpose of being poshitically correct ) back then you would have to knock on the door to be let in. Vetted. Told it was a gay bar before you set foot in the door. And if you overlooked the occasional drugs raid, dirty floor, lesbian brawls and gay slap matches it was mostly fun. People seemed to look after each other more. People weren’t out of the closet as much then so keeping someone’s secret gave most people there a level of respect for each other. Even now if I see some of the old palace crowd the old rules still apply, getting each other a drink and making sure everyone gets home safe. It was my first ever experience of a community.

Sadly, a lot, if not all of this is missing from the gay community at present. We seem to be stuck in a place in between narcissism and forced acceptance. Caricature and indifference. Maybe in all the work finding our place in society we haven’t nurtured the idea of what we mean to ourselves? I’ve only been out for the last 15 years and things have changed so radically and there is no time to readjust, take stock of who and what we are. We have to keep moving forward toward equality but in doing so we can’t lose sight of what we are. A minority. A small section of society that is still fighting for equality, that still needs to look after it’s own. Whenever I am out in a gay bar or come across the occasional “wayward soul” I do my best to help because I remember. I remember the solitude, the overwhelming feeling of awkwardness in your own body and I also remember the relief when this small club, this small space took me under it’s wing and helped me to grow. Amidst the tears, tantrums and tiaras I became the man I am today.

I learned to respect myself, to love myself, and to honour myself and I owe a major part of that to the community I had. I sometimes pity the younger gay crowd these days. There may no longer be a need to protect each other as venomously as we used to but that shouldn’t mean we should stop caring and respecting each other like we used to. I’m not here to preach, or to wave a burning rainbow flag but I am here to gently remind myself of what I had. Of what WE had. And how we find a way of bringing that to the surface again.

In Loving memory of a dance floor drowned in the stench of CK1 and Joop,

In loving memory of a women’s toilet being the only safe place to take a leek,

In loving memory of that bit of curtain by the stage where you could go for a sneaky kiss,

In loving memory of the random arm chair,

In loving memory of that guy who would come out every week and dance like a lunatic,

In loving memory of all the wonderful souls I have met and loved in that one small house of queens,

I bid you love and farewell!

Ryan xxxx

And Reeeeelax....

Ever felt like you’re trying to fit four lives into one? Me too. The level of self invented busyness has run rough shot over my life for far, far too long. I write list upon list and then eventually sit there with so much to do that nothing gets done! It’s absolutely hilarious what I do to myself, but in all fairness it’s come to a stop. I’ve long considered my life purpose to be one of complete surrender to the act of inspiration. Little did I know that inspiration contains one vital component that stops you from becoming overwhelmed. Impulse. I’m not talking about impulse as in doing something on a whim. I mean the beating heart, the pulse of inspiration. The rhythm of the energy the idea has.

My normal way of doing something is, run at it 100 miles an hour until either it or me is exhausted and it’s been fun for a while but I’m breaking up with that way of being. You have to pack your bags and leave I’m afraid. The need to accomplish, or to be more blunt, prove myself, has to go. I am already accomplished and there will always be more to do so running 100 miles an hour in circles is no longer for me. Some ideas need time to grow and accumulate before they are ready to be born, which for someone who is goal orientated has been a little challenging to incorporate but it’s just time to surrender to it ( again ).

Sheer brute force is no longer working for me. It does get things done but the cost to my time, energy and health are just not worth it any more. Allowing ideas, inspirations and energies to flow effortlessly into my life and allowing them to take shape in their own time and at their own pace lifts, enlightens and empowers. Yes, you need to act, and interact, but the second you need to push it’s time to stop. It’s all meant to be fun, so let the joy float through you and bring the true essence of its power as it arrives.

Seeing past red.

On one of my usual speed runs through the city centre on another never ending mission to get things off a never ending list I stopped, briefly, to buy a poppy. Although amidst this insane bustle there was something in the way these old men stood made me stop for a moment. Smartly dressed and upright, shaking a tin, largely ignored by the people walking passed and I thought to myself “I wonder what they think about us?”.

These men held something special, something that we don’t seem to understand. These men were willing to fight and die for a country that now largely, it seems, ignores them. Forced to raise money for an appeal that shouldn’t be a second thought. In my line of work I often get to hear a lot about war-time stories. The incredible strength that women of that time had in order to hold a family together not knowing if tonight their homes would be bombed, their kids would be harmed, their husbands would be killed. The bravery of the men, ill trained and sent to a ditch to fight line by line walking over the dead bodies of their friends and fellow officers. And here these men stood in front of me, hoping that someone would put some cash in a small box and have a poppy pinned to their jacket. I wouldn’t disgrace these men by feeling pity for them but I know that some of them feel pity for us. To have so little love for the country that holds you, to not know who your neighbours are, to ignore a stranger being beaten up or robbed.

But I don’t want this to be about how bad things are. Pick up a newspaper and there’s enough of it in there. I want this to be about what we can learn. I love my country, I love this soil, I love the sky above us and the sea that surrounds us. We have a beautiful idea. A place where people have access to free healthcare, a place where a legal system strives toward justice, a place where even if you’re out of work there are systems in place that help prevent you from going hungry. I’m not saying that these systems are perfect but the idea of them is what I want to promote and perpetuate. The idea of them is in some way ingrained in who we are, it wouldn’t hurt us so much when these systems go wrong if it wasn’t.

I stood and watched these men, their grace, their presence and their lesson to teach us. After everything they have faced, after each injustice from their government, community, press, legal system, being told their poppy is “offensive”, being made to feel obsolete. We built this country on their backs, on their sacrifice, on their sweat and tears and here they stand. Smiling, willing to teach us. It’s just our job to be willing to learn.

Fear is the act of doing something uncommon.

There’s always more to learn, more to transcend and more to let go of. You’re never totally finished and there’s no way you can ever get it done. Sometimes these lessons just turn up and hit you from the side view and teach you about who you are and who you have been. I have truly cringed at some of the things I used to think and some of the things I used to do; although some may call it a learning curve or “youth” for me it has become a collection of beliefs and ideas that for the most part I no longer need.

How do I know which part of me wants what? I have literally been tearing my head apart these last few days and ended up creating a three day migrane as a result. Which part of me feeds from drama, from victimhood, from approval? The things jumping through my head lately have been a giant blast from the past and it’s left me reeling from it. Amidst all this is also whether I ask for help. Is that refusal of ownership or a feat of martyrdom? I also know that the last time I did this to myself it was because I was avoiding looking at something. It’s the only real reason to create this blanket of self imposed chaos.

Everything I do I do out of one simple reason, I LOVE to do it. I love making music, being part of someone’s spiritual journey, painting a picture, writing a story, folding paper, making a piece of jewelry, the whole lot! But lately it’s all felt more stress than fun, heavier than happier and last night I burned incense and candles and figured out why.

If you’re used to a way of thinking, if an issue is unresolved it has a “knack” of working its way to the surface, especially if you’re stepping out of it. When you choose to move forward sometimes you need to shake the shit off your shoe first. Who I was, was riddled with fear, any form of it it could get it’s hands on and that part of me would hold on for grim life. So I’m not entirely shocked it surfaced right now. It appears at the moment that I can do no wrong, this “midas” touch I have seems to have spread itself all over my life. Writing ideas are flowing, album ideas are flowing, art exhibition ideas are flowing, clients are brimming through my books and even small things I want are just showing up effortlessly.

I’m all about the challenge, finding my limits and pushing them that step further. Forcing myself to expand and I do this all for one reason, JOY. For the last four years this joy, this inner peace has been unshakeable from my consciousness. When I am happy, sad, angry, hopeful, it is there underneath it all letting me know that nothing really matters as much as I think it does. That I am here for one reason only. That part of me gets the joke.

It’s long past time for me to say goodbye to this part of my internal saboteur. Fear is here to teach us our boundaries, to show us the limits we think we have. Fear is the act of doing something uncommon. So lets get ready for me to crap myself!!! Haha

RJ xx

Never Forget

Now and again you need to remind yourself of who you are and what you’re made of. A good friend will remind you of that, a great friend will never let you forget it. This is where I am today. As if waking from a suffocating sleep that has laid over my life for the last few months. Writing and writing and writing can be an insanely insular process, especially when all that seems to be coming from your mind is GARBAGE! Creative blocks suck, they just do and I am now over mine THANK HADES!

Last night I sat under the moon and finally felt words flow from me again. Like the spark was lit. I have SO MUCH TO DO. SO much to catch up on. Most, if not all the lists I’ve been doing and preparing are starting to be checked off and this new river is starting to flow. I am beyond exited as to what is about to take place. There are new musicians coming into my life at the minute, new perspectives, new ways of creating and new projects I can’t wait to sink my teeth into. I can’t wait t share them with you either as soon as they come together.

Today is just complete relief. Time to organise the chaos I allowed to envelope me this last few months, time to kick square in the ding ding and channel the life force energy of the universe again. Today I am grateful to mother earth, grateful to the moon and to the stars, grateful to the love and creativity in my life. I feel BETTER!

RJ

Birthday boy!

I’ve just finished rehearsing and have an hour to update my blogs and just chat with you about what’s been happening lately. Well as most of you will know it’s been my birthday which has been a moustastic event so far! I got all my buds down to my local and had some lovely food ( Bar Reef... my home away from home ) and we all wore some serious fake moustache’s for no reason at all. The night was a good gathering and a lot of fun complete with embarrassing sing song to Ryan ( oh I DO hate the attention! ) and some early pressies. On my actual birthday day though I got something I’ve wanted for ages, A CELLO!! Yup, I shall be once again on the string instruments and shall as soon as possible be sharing with you everything I’ve learned! It really has been an awesome time and if that wasn’t enough in trots my boyfriend after work with a cello shaped cake!! The day just couldn’t have gotten better.

The day before my birthday was the set up of my new exhibition, there are more details on my other blog ( WolfeCity ) about all that stuff, but it was just more icing on the cake to have my first ever exhibition this year too. It does feel a bit weird turning 31. Way more weird than 30. I have no idea why though, getting older doesn’t bother me, I guess it’s cause I’m getting happier the older I get?? Who knows!

The other changes that have been happening lately have all been spiritually focussed. Spending each day walking my beautiful new pooch has given me time to connect with the trees over and over again. I know some of you may find this weird but I believe whole heart and centre that nature speaks to us. The more time I spend in it the more connected I feel to everything and everyone. I have received some truly amazing sights on my morning walks. The day of my birthday I watched as the sun streamed in through the trees and shards of light hit the ground and everything around me became fuzzy and warm and full of potential. As if I could mould and shape anything, almost as if I could close my eyes and fly home! I’ve had time to re evaluate my spiritual work and I’ve come to understand the level to which I have limited my success out of FEAR. Well no more. Musically I am known for doing things at once and I feel more than capable of running more business than one at a time! It might be tiring, but I have a feeling it will be worth it!

Today was just a quick howdy so I’ll speak to you all again soon!

New Puppy!

Well its week one of having a brand new pup and here’s the 10 things I’ve learned so far...

1. My pockets now rattle with loose dog treats, not loose change.
2. I know the names of all the dogs in the park but not the owners
3. In order to dodge a “little whoopsy” I have acquired the skills of a Ninja Warrior
4. I see it as a clean kitchen floor, the dog sees it as a blank canvas
5. Dog hair can defy the laws of physics and turn up in places its never been
6. Teething should be re-branded as an Olympic dog sport
7. Dogs do smirk at you when you pick up their poop.
8. You will buy them lots of toys, they will ignore them and play with an empty plastic bottle.
9. I call my flat a bombsite, the dog calls it art
10. I will probably love that fluffy thing for the rest of my life!

London Is Burning....

All of us have seen the images, the violence, the rioting now happening in this country. What began under the GUISE OF RETRIBUTION for an alleged abuse of police authority has evolved into a hideous shameful display of actions.

I have seen kids smash cars, windows, burn buildings, businesses, I have friends and family who have witnessed the looting first hand. People aren’t stealing food and water, they aren’t stealing medicine or even going for hard cash. They’re stealing jewellery, clothes, tv’s, computers. This is not a protest. This is not standing up for any human or social rights. There is no ideal being fought for here, nothing for the betterment of mankind. This isn’t even anything as sophisticated as mindless violence.

There is a deep sense of entitlement today. An eagerness for an outstretched hand. Self pity has become an occupation for some and throughout it all there is an absence of hope. And where there is an absence of hope you will find GREED, RAGE, DRUGS and a whole array of emotions and situations that keep the mind confined. WE HAVE DONE THIS. Not someone else. Our willingness to give hand outs instead of hand up’s. Our determination to pity instead on empower. The poor me party has spilled onto the streets and has weakened us. If I want something I sit and figure out how I can EARN it, not how I can STEAL it. But to those with no regard for themselves morals are a memory.

But I am not one to dwell too long on the problem. Lets dwell on the solution. We need some SPINE in this country. We need to STAND TOGETHER for the things we STAND FOR. My grandparents generation fought and won a war for what we have today and what we have is amazing. It is worth protecting. So how to turn this around?
We have a job now, a job to INSPIRE a whole generation of kids into believing that they are worth more than what they have been taught. Into believing in their own evolution. Into believing that respect has no grounds in fear. That your conduct speaks for itself.

This is the hard work, this will take time. Since world war 2 we have built this countries buildings again, we have built it’s roads and its economy. Now we have to build a generation that will respect it.