Ready to tear my own face off!

Here I am again, head full of thoughts, gut full of knots and it’s not even 12 in the afternoon yet...

I believe we create our own reality, that everything we see around us is in some way a reflection of what we believe, think, accept and feel. Like the universe you experience is a giant mirror showing you parts of yourself that you sometimes love and sometimes are blatantly not ready to see. I have had such a reflection recently. Actually I think I’ve had several, my other diaries are filling up with headwork and my lyric book is looking weighty but thankfully amidst the mental chaos I have found a bit of clarity. The root and feeling place of where I am. The word FRUSTRATION is the closest I can get to it. So... lets dissect....

The root of frustration is focussing on a place you don’t want to be. It’s when you’re consciousness is so enamoured with your current perceived faults with your reality that you become overwhelmed by them. My relationship with frustration has probably run in the back of my mind for years, probably started with being in the closet in the most toothless part of Swansea. That’s where I think the pattern began. The undercurrent of “I’m not where I want to be...” and sadly in retrospect, that thought has been very close to the surface since that time in my life. It’s only now, that so much of my life is exactly how I want it to be that that particular thought no longer has a place in my consciousness. So, that’s probably why I’m getting it all sorted now. I guess it all makes sense. Constantly giving myself too much to do, constantly creating situations that make me feel like utter crap. The whole “frustrated artist” archetype is soooo teen angst I could vomit. But here I am in the fucking middle of it. Ah well...

I guess it’s time again for healing. I took a walk yesterday and had a little chat with the trees (not really speaking loudly, although, if ever you see me in the park talking to myself that’s probably what’s happening.... probably, I make no promises). Their stillness is amazing, just sitting by them and listening to the chatter of the leaves always puts me in a meditative space, similar to sitting on the beach actually listening to the rhythm of the waves. All nature has a rhythm and frustration is not a part of it. All nature has a pace and as you/I/we are a part of natures great plan then I guess that pace is a part of us. BREATHE AND LET GO. I sing it enough, time to put it into practice.

So, what now? How to free myself of the pattern? Recognising it is always a first good step and we’re in the waning moon now so that should help. Burn it out through ritual/affirmation/chanting?

I’ll find a space and let nature take it’s course through me.

My headspace today....

Gather. Collect. Surrender to art.
Become more than I was.
Open what is there.
Too old for all this? Quiet life? Fuck.
Live by faith or use words to bind my tongue.
I have to or I’m not who I think I am.
Fear. Shame. Humiliation. Redemption. Absolution.
Cant wait to meet a weaver.
Succumb to what I feel.
Bless what is ordinary.
Completely uncertain.
Needing peace. Guidance. Information.
No more fucking lists please.
Learn to nurture yourself.
Learn not to think so much.
Give in. Fuck the lot of it.
Dont take yourself too seriously, but don’t sell yourself short.

I was born to create worlds, ( so why doesn't this one look right? )

create another one FOOL.

This is all too familiar.

Ready soon for something new.

A Rude Awakening....

Its time to write again. I feel like there’s so much to get off my chest and this quiet little space of the internet is the perfect place to do it.

I’m reorganising, re identifying, prioritising, pulling myself apart and putting pieces back together again and to be honest THANK HADES. I can’t believe how I much I disconnected, how much I betrayed my kind. My path with music has been going a long time and the second I start to feel like I’m finally living the life I want I SELL OUT. I abandon art, expression, invention, creativity and give it all up to the “show man”. The gigs weren’t itching that scratch. But how fucking could they, you get what you give and I was NOT giving myself, my soul, my heart, my heat. I was playing a part and getting nothing in return. This is beyond griping at low audience levels, lack of inspiration or shitty venues. This year so far I have gigged HARD and learned alot, and more importantly learned alot about myself.

I’m not going to pretend any more. What’s the point in saying how much of a great time you had at a gig when in my heart I felt HEAVY, LOST, ANGRY, CONFUSED. What point am I trying to make? Who’s approval am I seeking? I’ve bought into “it”. Let’s all build ourselves an image that doesn’t exist so we can comfort ourselves in the night. So we can wrap ourselves up tight in our own pretence, EGO and dishonesty. FUCK IT! That was never the path I wanted to walk, that was NEVER the artist I wanted to be. I have had some amazing teachers in art and expression and I’ve finally begun to tread in the water of who they are and who I’m becoming. It’s all a journey and I’m GRATEFUL that I’m back on mine.

Last week I had the misfortune of playing the PENDINE music festival. Ugh, I cannot describe how utterly shit the whole thing was. Even more weird though was my reaction. I’ve learned to expect a certain level of disorganisation when it comes to these events. And I guess the sign at the gate “WARNING, EXPLOSIONS” should have given me some sort of message. It was quiet, not the 1000 people I had been told about, I played to about 30 people, 15 of which were ten year olds. But then something happened I was not expecting. After being rushed onto the stage the band that had shown up ( someone who was once founding member of hawkwind/please take some time to get over yourself ) and was meant to go on after me starting tuning up DURING MY SET. Now, I’m an acoustic act, so when someone is testing out a DRUM KIT and a SAXAPHONE behind you mid set you can hear them. There are all the SHOULDS, when something like this happens. Things you SHOULD have said or SHOULD have done. I was then asked to cut my set short to accommodate these walking EGO’s. I looked around the room and let go. It’s not as if I was fighting for a good crowd or more than three appreciative listeners. I got off the stage and left. In all fairness, the promoters and event organisers apologised to me profusely, but my heart wasn’t heavy. I was relieved to be off that stage and on my way home. On the way home though we did stop at a cool venue and I booked myself a nice gig there for this weekend so the day wasn’t a total bust. It was just another lesson.

I believe that the world we encounter is often a reflection of who we are, of who we are becoming, or of who we are in danger of becoming. That gig, those musicians, were a wake up call. I’ve pretty much sat at the piano for the last three or four weeks every day seeking REDEMPTION, ABSOLUTION, REINTEGRATION. I feel alot more clear these last few days, alot more heat in my belly. The passion and inspiration is coming back. Persona. Ego. Self. When you’re scared to take a step into yourself it’s pretty much a sure sign it’s the right one to take and I have been PETRIFIED. I can’t ever again become so wrapped up in pleasing myself, in stroking my own ego to lose sight of my art.

Something has shifted and Im grateful for it. I will make a promise here and now to always be HONEST with you and more importantly HONEST with my self. Expect more, I now do.

So much love,
Ryan x