Fear is the act of doing something uncommon.

There’s always more to learn, more to transcend and more to let go of. You’re never totally finished and there’s no way you can ever get it done. Sometimes these lessons just turn up and hit you from the side view and teach you about who you are and who you have been. I have truly cringed at some of the things I used to think and some of the things I used to do; although some may call it a learning curve or “youth” for me it has become a collection of beliefs and ideas that for the most part I no longer need.

How do I know which part of me wants what? I have literally been tearing my head apart these last few days and ended up creating a three day migrane as a result. Which part of me feeds from drama, from victimhood, from approval? The things jumping through my head lately have been a giant blast from the past and it’s left me reeling from it. Amidst all this is also whether I ask for help. Is that refusal of ownership or a feat of martyrdom? I also know that the last time I did this to myself it was because I was avoiding looking at something. It’s the only real reason to create this blanket of self imposed chaos.

Everything I do I do out of one simple reason, I LOVE to do it. I love making music, being part of someone’s spiritual journey, painting a picture, writing a story, folding paper, making a piece of jewelry, the whole lot! But lately it’s all felt more stress than fun, heavier than happier and last night I burned incense and candles and figured out why.

If you’re used to a way of thinking, if an issue is unresolved it has a “knack” of working its way to the surface, especially if you’re stepping out of it. When you choose to move forward sometimes you need to shake the shit off your shoe first. Who I was, was riddled with fear, any form of it it could get it’s hands on and that part of me would hold on for grim life. So I’m not entirely shocked it surfaced right now. It appears at the moment that I can do no wrong, this “midas” touch I have seems to have spread itself all over my life. Writing ideas are flowing, album ideas are flowing, art exhibition ideas are flowing, clients are brimming through my books and even small things I want are just showing up effortlessly.

I’m all about the challenge, finding my limits and pushing them that step further. Forcing myself to expand and I do this all for one reason, JOY. For the last four years this joy, this inner peace has been unshakeable from my consciousness. When I am happy, sad, angry, hopeful, it is there underneath it all letting me know that nothing really matters as much as I think it does. That I am here for one reason only. That part of me gets the joke.

It’s long past time for me to say goodbye to this part of my internal saboteur. Fear is here to teach us our boundaries, to show us the limits we think we have. Fear is the act of doing something uncommon. So lets get ready for me to crap myself!!! Haha

RJ xx

Never Forget

Now and again you need to remind yourself of who you are and what you’re made of. A good friend will remind you of that, a great friend will never let you forget it. This is where I am today. As if waking from a suffocating sleep that has laid over my life for the last few months. Writing and writing and writing can be an insanely insular process, especially when all that seems to be coming from your mind is GARBAGE! Creative blocks suck, they just do and I am now over mine THANK HADES!

Last night I sat under the moon and finally felt words flow from me again. Like the spark was lit. I have SO MUCH TO DO. SO much to catch up on. Most, if not all the lists I’ve been doing and preparing are starting to be checked off and this new river is starting to flow. I am beyond exited as to what is about to take place. There are new musicians coming into my life at the minute, new perspectives, new ways of creating and new projects I can’t wait to sink my teeth into. I can’t wait t share them with you either as soon as they come together.

Today is just complete relief. Time to organise the chaos I allowed to envelope me this last few months, time to kick square in the ding ding and channel the life force energy of the universe again. Today I am grateful to mother earth, grateful to the moon and to the stars, grateful to the love and creativity in my life. I feel BETTER!

RJ

Birthday boy!

I’ve just finished rehearsing and have an hour to update my blogs and just chat with you about what’s been happening lately. Well as most of you will know it’s been my birthday which has been a moustastic event so far! I got all my buds down to my local and had some lovely food ( Bar Reef... my home away from home ) and we all wore some serious fake moustache’s for no reason at all. The night was a good gathering and a lot of fun complete with embarrassing sing song to Ryan ( oh I DO hate the attention! ) and some early pressies. On my actual birthday day though I got something I’ve wanted for ages, A CELLO!! Yup, I shall be once again on the string instruments and shall as soon as possible be sharing with you everything I’ve learned! It really has been an awesome time and if that wasn’t enough in trots my boyfriend after work with a cello shaped cake!! The day just couldn’t have gotten better.

The day before my birthday was the set up of my new exhibition, there are more details on my other blog ( WolfeCity ) about all that stuff, but it was just more icing on the cake to have my first ever exhibition this year too. It does feel a bit weird turning 31. Way more weird than 30. I have no idea why though, getting older doesn’t bother me, I guess it’s cause I’m getting happier the older I get?? Who knows!

The other changes that have been happening lately have all been spiritually focussed. Spending each day walking my beautiful new pooch has given me time to connect with the trees over and over again. I know some of you may find this weird but I believe whole heart and centre that nature speaks to us. The more time I spend in it the more connected I feel to everything and everyone. I have received some truly amazing sights on my morning walks. The day of my birthday I watched as the sun streamed in through the trees and shards of light hit the ground and everything around me became fuzzy and warm and full of potential. As if I could mould and shape anything, almost as if I could close my eyes and fly home! I’ve had time to re evaluate my spiritual work and I’ve come to understand the level to which I have limited my success out of FEAR. Well no more. Musically I am known for doing things at once and I feel more than capable of running more business than one at a time! It might be tiring, but I have a feeling it will be worth it!

Today was just a quick howdy so I’ll speak to you all again soon!

New Puppy!

Well its week one of having a brand new pup and here’s the 10 things I’ve learned so far...

1. My pockets now rattle with loose dog treats, not loose change.
2. I know the names of all the dogs in the park but not the owners
3. In order to dodge a “little whoopsy” I have acquired the skills of a Ninja Warrior
4. I see it as a clean kitchen floor, the dog sees it as a blank canvas
5. Dog hair can defy the laws of physics and turn up in places its never been
6. Teething should be re-branded as an Olympic dog sport
7. Dogs do smirk at you when you pick up their poop.
8. You will buy them lots of toys, they will ignore them and play with an empty plastic bottle.
9. I call my flat a bombsite, the dog calls it art
10. I will probably love that fluffy thing for the rest of my life!

London Is Burning....

All of us have seen the images, the violence, the rioting now happening in this country. What began under the GUISE OF RETRIBUTION for an alleged abuse of police authority has evolved into a hideous shameful display of actions.

I have seen kids smash cars, windows, burn buildings, businesses, I have friends and family who have witnessed the looting first hand. People aren’t stealing food and water, they aren’t stealing medicine or even going for hard cash. They’re stealing jewellery, clothes, tv’s, computers. This is not a protest. This is not standing up for any human or social rights. There is no ideal being fought for here, nothing for the betterment of mankind. This isn’t even anything as sophisticated as mindless violence.

There is a deep sense of entitlement today. An eagerness for an outstretched hand. Self pity has become an occupation for some and throughout it all there is an absence of hope. And where there is an absence of hope you will find GREED, RAGE, DRUGS and a whole array of emotions and situations that keep the mind confined. WE HAVE DONE THIS. Not someone else. Our willingness to give hand outs instead of hand up’s. Our determination to pity instead on empower. The poor me party has spilled onto the streets and has weakened us. If I want something I sit and figure out how I can EARN it, not how I can STEAL it. But to those with no regard for themselves morals are a memory.

But I am not one to dwell too long on the problem. Lets dwell on the solution. We need some SPINE in this country. We need to STAND TOGETHER for the things we STAND FOR. My grandparents generation fought and won a war for what we have today and what we have is amazing. It is worth protecting. So how to turn this around?
We have a job now, a job to INSPIRE a whole generation of kids into believing that they are worth more than what they have been taught. Into believing in their own evolution. Into believing that respect has no grounds in fear. That your conduct speaks for itself.

This is the hard work, this will take time. Since world war 2 we have built this countries buildings again, we have built it’s roads and its economy. Now we have to build a generation that will respect it.

A good thing!

There’s no real way around it. Admitting the truth is tough. No matter how many comforts your old life, your old self gave you, when you’ve outgrown them it’s time to move on. I understand why some people argue, because hate is an easy emotion to manage. It offers momentum and sometimes a welcome distraction from the sadness of saying goodbye. But root and truth is that you simply cant fit into a place you’ve outgrown.

I remember what seems like an old life of mine. A life of half truths and self invented – hopefully comforting tales and I also remember the day I could no longer lie to myself. The day I finally let my heart and soul smile. That joy began in the pit of my stomach and since that time the only real problem in my life is not being able to find enough ways to express it. I also remember how hard it was to let that joy in. My life right now seems to be cultivating a consistent feeling of surrender. Of giving up parts of who I am and who I was. As a result of that the people in my life are changing. Some are waking up, some are saying goodbye, some are beginning to find that joy within themselves and some aren’t. I’m not here to judge anyone although I won’t bother lying to you, I have done. Holding people to old bonds, refusing to acknowledge other peoples paths and using the external chaos to distract myself from my own peace. But that time has passed. People are where they are. I am where I am. Everything has changed and I can’t live amongst walking memories.

This is actually quite scary. I wonder what bright souls will begin to filter into my life now. I wonder what experiences there are to learn. I’ve definitely been learning to let people be. To be a peaceful observer of others growth. I watch carefully the situations and people I lose energy to and am tying up loose ends. I can honestly say I am where I am and that statement holds no undercurrent anymore. There are already some wonderful lights in my life and I hope to continue experiencing them, I’ll never dare to hold them again but as it turns out; that’s a good thing!

A lazy sunday....

It's been a few weeks since I've had the time to chill out and catch up with all of you but thankfully on this lazy, rediculously sunny Sunday afternoon I've put some crap on the telly and here I am with some new photos and new updates.

Let's start with some music! I finally got to play in a venue I'd heard lot's about, Mr Wolfs! The journey there was ok although I did encounter a MASS of stairs ( my new frenemy ) and no clear signs to the elevator but with major thanks to a feisty random welsh lady ( wherever you are in the world I LOVE YOU ) I got my kit up the stairs and met with with very kind Howard Sin(ful)clair who managed to show me some of the cooler places in Bristol and a very fine and dandy cider garden too. The venue was cool, small and quirky and had an awesome but not too daunting stage, they do seem to have a slight noodle fetish there but seeing as the noodles are actually bloody nice nobody seems to mind. The gig itself went really well and I got to share the stage with the awesome "Bowen and the Tide" which are an acoustic duo I loved!

I have a gig this sunday in Ten Feet Tall in Cardiff, I've not played that venue before so I'm looking forward to it and they've also already booked me in for October so they must have really liked the demo!

Also the new album is sooooo nearly written, there is literally one song to go and then I'm back in the studio to record! There's also another little side project I'm writing for which I hope will be done in time and will can be released the same time as the New album. I'ts just very much a writing time at the moment to get everthing done and I can't wait for it to be all flowing and recording. I love that point between conception and realisation with music, to see if you can get the sound you have in your head onto the CD.

River of Bones is still doing well PLUS in the not too distant future the BRAND NEW VIDEO for the song "River of Bones" should be done too! I've also asked a friend of mine to take a look at the song and do an Industrial Type remix of it . He's giving it a go as we speak so if that all comes together nicely there should be some more newness there too (cant wait to hear it though)!

Which leaves me with my newest news, the BBC have contacted me about being on a new show they're doing and they were looking for people with unusual talents ( finally my strangeness pays off ) so discussions for all the should undergo next week, what they have said so far sounds hilarious so I can't wait to give that a go... I'll keep you posted on that one.

The art exhibition is nearly underway, just have to sort out a few prints for that, cards and the other paraphinalia PLUS... the first draft of my book is written! Now begins the painful editing process and making my creative scribbles sound like actualy sentences! As soon as that's done I shall be sorting out a publisher asap!

Right, if I don't go right now these maltesers certainly aren't going to eat themselves!

Big Love to you all

RJ x

Ready to tear my own face off!

Here I am again, head full of thoughts, gut full of knots and it’s not even 12 in the afternoon yet...

I believe we create our own reality, that everything we see around us is in some way a reflection of what we believe, think, accept and feel. Like the universe you experience is a giant mirror showing you parts of yourself that you sometimes love and sometimes are blatantly not ready to see. I have had such a reflection recently. Actually I think I’ve had several, my other diaries are filling up with headwork and my lyric book is looking weighty but thankfully amidst the mental chaos I have found a bit of clarity. The root and feeling place of where I am. The word FRUSTRATION is the closest I can get to it. So... lets dissect....

The root of frustration is focussing on a place you don’t want to be. It’s when you’re consciousness is so enamoured with your current perceived faults with your reality that you become overwhelmed by them. My relationship with frustration has probably run in the back of my mind for years, probably started with being in the closet in the most toothless part of Swansea. That’s where I think the pattern began. The undercurrent of “I’m not where I want to be...” and sadly in retrospect, that thought has been very close to the surface since that time in my life. It’s only now, that so much of my life is exactly how I want it to be that that particular thought no longer has a place in my consciousness. So, that’s probably why I’m getting it all sorted now. I guess it all makes sense. Constantly giving myself too much to do, constantly creating situations that make me feel like utter crap. The whole “frustrated artist” archetype is soooo teen angst I could vomit. But here I am in the fucking middle of it. Ah well...

I guess it’s time again for healing. I took a walk yesterday and had a little chat with the trees (not really speaking loudly, although, if ever you see me in the park talking to myself that’s probably what’s happening.... probably, I make no promises). Their stillness is amazing, just sitting by them and listening to the chatter of the leaves always puts me in a meditative space, similar to sitting on the beach actually listening to the rhythm of the waves. All nature has a rhythm and frustration is not a part of it. All nature has a pace and as you/I/we are a part of natures great plan then I guess that pace is a part of us. BREATHE AND LET GO. I sing it enough, time to put it into practice.

So, what now? How to free myself of the pattern? Recognising it is always a first good step and we’re in the waning moon now so that should help. Burn it out through ritual/affirmation/chanting?

I’ll find a space and let nature take it’s course through me.

My headspace today....

Gather. Collect. Surrender to art.
Become more than I was.
Open what is there.
Too old for all this? Quiet life? Fuck.
Live by faith or use words to bind my tongue.
I have to or I’m not who I think I am.
Fear. Shame. Humiliation. Redemption. Absolution.
Cant wait to meet a weaver.
Succumb to what I feel.
Bless what is ordinary.
Completely uncertain.
Needing peace. Guidance. Information.
No more fucking lists please.
Learn to nurture yourself.
Learn not to think so much.
Give in. Fuck the lot of it.
Dont take yourself too seriously, but don’t sell yourself short.

I was born to create worlds, ( so why doesn't this one look right? )

create another one FOOL.

This is all too familiar.

Ready soon for something new.

A Rude Awakening....

Its time to write again. I feel like there’s so much to get off my chest and this quiet little space of the internet is the perfect place to do it.

I’m reorganising, re identifying, prioritising, pulling myself apart and putting pieces back together again and to be honest THANK HADES. I can’t believe how I much I disconnected, how much I betrayed my kind. My path with music has been going a long time and the second I start to feel like I’m finally living the life I want I SELL OUT. I abandon art, expression, invention, creativity and give it all up to the “show man”. The gigs weren’t itching that scratch. But how fucking could they, you get what you give and I was NOT giving myself, my soul, my heart, my heat. I was playing a part and getting nothing in return. This is beyond griping at low audience levels, lack of inspiration or shitty venues. This year so far I have gigged HARD and learned alot, and more importantly learned alot about myself.

I’m not going to pretend any more. What’s the point in saying how much of a great time you had at a gig when in my heart I felt HEAVY, LOST, ANGRY, CONFUSED. What point am I trying to make? Who’s approval am I seeking? I’ve bought into “it”. Let’s all build ourselves an image that doesn’t exist so we can comfort ourselves in the night. So we can wrap ourselves up tight in our own pretence, EGO and dishonesty. FUCK IT! That was never the path I wanted to walk, that was NEVER the artist I wanted to be. I have had some amazing teachers in art and expression and I’ve finally begun to tread in the water of who they are and who I’m becoming. It’s all a journey and I’m GRATEFUL that I’m back on mine.

Last week I had the misfortune of playing the PENDINE music festival. Ugh, I cannot describe how utterly shit the whole thing was. Even more weird though was my reaction. I’ve learned to expect a certain level of disorganisation when it comes to these events. And I guess the sign at the gate “WARNING, EXPLOSIONS” should have given me some sort of message. It was quiet, not the 1000 people I had been told about, I played to about 30 people, 15 of which were ten year olds. But then something happened I was not expecting. After being rushed onto the stage the band that had shown up ( someone who was once founding member of hawkwind/please take some time to get over yourself ) and was meant to go on after me starting tuning up DURING MY SET. Now, I’m an acoustic act, so when someone is testing out a DRUM KIT and a SAXAPHONE behind you mid set you can hear them. There are all the SHOULDS, when something like this happens. Things you SHOULD have said or SHOULD have done. I was then asked to cut my set short to accommodate these walking EGO’s. I looked around the room and let go. It’s not as if I was fighting for a good crowd or more than three appreciative listeners. I got off the stage and left. In all fairness, the promoters and event organisers apologised to me profusely, but my heart wasn’t heavy. I was relieved to be off that stage and on my way home. On the way home though we did stop at a cool venue and I booked myself a nice gig there for this weekend so the day wasn’t a total bust. It was just another lesson.

I believe that the world we encounter is often a reflection of who we are, of who we are becoming, or of who we are in danger of becoming. That gig, those musicians, were a wake up call. I’ve pretty much sat at the piano for the last three or four weeks every day seeking REDEMPTION, ABSOLUTION, REINTEGRATION. I feel alot more clear these last few days, alot more heat in my belly. The passion and inspiration is coming back. Persona. Ego. Self. When you’re scared to take a step into yourself it’s pretty much a sure sign it’s the right one to take and I have been PETRIFIED. I can’t ever again become so wrapped up in pleasing myself, in stroking my own ego to lose sight of my art.

Something has shifted and Im grateful for it. I will make a promise here and now to always be HONEST with you and more importantly HONEST with my self. Expect more, I now do.

So much love,
Ryan x