A morning to surrender.

Healing takes place constantly, and I guess now that Mercury Retrograde is finally at it’s end I can review all the issues it’s brought to the surface. The astrologers say that you feel Mercury’s pull strongest at the beginning and at the end of it’s backward cycle so I guess that’s why I’m feeling a little disjointed this morning. I feel everything this morning. Beauty, peace, awkwardness, uncomfortable, upset, happy, all of it, absolutely all of it. I guess today though I want to address parts of me that need offloading. This is after all my online diary, I don’t know why I feel the need to share some things in this way but I do. My paper diaries, art journals, songs, paintings, all of it seems to be about working through stuff so why should this diary be any different.

I guess what it’s brought to the surface is the feeling of always catching up. Always being one step behind everyone else. It’s probably the reason I never stop working. It’s probably the reason I give myself too much to do. With a list of albums to complete, books to write, paintings to draw, worlds to create the moments of peace are becoming tainted, and I don’t want that any more. But I can’t continue in this loop of, hissy fitting every few months because I burn myself out- deciding that experience is more important than work – having time to smell the flowers for a week or two and then slowly but surely the work creeps in and in and in and before I know it Im back where I started. I don’t want that any more. I want to bury this insecurity. This feeling that being incomplete is something negative. If someone else were to present me with this problem I’d ask them who were they trying to please? People don’t work that hard unless they’re seeking approval. So who’s am I after? Myself? Parents? You?

I’ve got a fair bit to figure out I guess in the next few days. All healing begins with forgiveness so I should ask myself really, who I need to forgive? It always starts with self, I know that much but then what? Where did I learn in my existence that who I am/what I do/what I give isn’t good enough? Because it’s definitely that feeling.

On this quiet beautiful morning, with my beloved fast asleep in the room next to me I want to let go of this negativity. I remember not feeling good enough right throughout my school days, I remember not feeling good enough when I accepted that I was gay, I remember blaming myself for my parents break up, old failed relationships, old failed friendships even and I remember not feeling good enough for a looooong time. Of course other people have expectations of you, that goes without saying, but it was me that took them onboard and tried to live up to them and I need to forgive myself for that. This isn’t about trying to find someone to blame. I need to let go of not feeling good enough.

I love a good ritual, it awakens the pagan in me. Something symbolic that states my completeness within my incompleteness. That I am more than good enough in my current state. That helps me to forgive and let go and heal. The reflections that have been surrounding me lately are all starting to make sense, so I know I’m on the right track. This isn’t something that belongs to who I am now. It belongs to who I was. An old self that needs releasing. An old lesson that needs healing at a deeper level. I will spend some time today gathering herbs, talking with the trees and allowing the grace of nature to work in me and through me. Surrender is a beautiful thing and today I give myself to it, again.

Thank you for being part of this journey with me. I’ll write again soon.

xx

One Two Three

Its a beautiful Saturday morning and Im again in that place where theres so much to do and so much to be getting on with I am, of course, sat with a cup of tea gawking at My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Productive I know. But I am totally planning a Plan. Yes, a plan. A Battle Plan. For the gazillion projects I want to get involved in and create through I need to sit my bum down with bunches of lists, some new stationary and of course lots and lots of paper!

I’m goal orientated, which is weird for an artist. We’re meant to be more involved in the process of everything but I’ve yet to meet an artist that totally enjoys the painting/writing/creative process. It’s always something that you’re fighting with, a colour wont go on right, the song doesn’t sound right, the chapter wont frikkin conclude itself. This all lends itself to the utter relief an artist feels when something finishes. When it’s done. That blissful “thank Frikk for that!”.... and then it starts all over again.

But with an exhibition to paint for, a new album to rehearse for, two musical side projects to invest in, a book to complete plus finding time for a social life and of course my day job, I think I need to take some extra care when planning what needs to be done. I like structure and goals and plans and charts. And I especially love the “you’ve done well so buy yourself something nice” time too. It’s all going to be fun.

I still haven’t lost my focus though. This tour lit a fire in my belly that has made me hungry for more! I’ve managed to get a bag made which should be done in the next few weeks so I can finally get my bum on a train and be portable for gigs, which I am booking! Keep your eyes peeled on my website for more on that ( once I’ve redesigned it! ) *sigh*.

Deep breaths.... one, two, three....

Hear No Evil Tour!

It has been a ridiculously long time since I wrote in my blog so there is a stupid amount of gossip to catch up on. Before I start you should probably go get yourself a cuppa...

There... ok.

Right, lets begin. The TOUR! Officially the HEAR NO EVIL tour is done and dusted, we drove over 1000 miles up and down the UK but we are all safely back in the land of song spending insane amounts of time downloading footage and photos. Some of it though does manage to capture the amount of fun we had. There’s also a documentary being compiled with all the behind the scenes stuff (i.e. tea drinking and sleeping... im just too rock n roll).

The Milkwood Jam gig was incredible. Everyone who said they were going to turn up did and we just had stupid amounts of fun. I decided for the tour to be completely self indulgent and played all the songs I enjoy doing and some songs that needed a good airing. It felt like a giant exhale after a long feeling of “tid-bits” musically. 2 songs here and there, or a slot here and there. It was nice to have a good chunk of time to just completely blow out the musical cobwebs. And I feel relieved and ready for more.

Sheffield was an awesome small venue which was just enough for the three of us, Solihull was definitely one of those “cutting your teeth” gigs with a fun audience, Cardiff had awesome sound and considering the venue didn’t put tickets up for sale till 3 DAYS BEFORE we still held our own there. The biggest surprise though was London. I swear when I first went into the venue music room I was in some sort of scene from SAW and was about to be abducted by a mad man with frontal lobe damage. But with lighting and a cool soundie it turned out to be my fav gig from the tour! We played to a packed room who were just up and ready for the fun of the evening. Scott and Maria played flawlessly (as usual ) and I gave it a bit welly!

And then disaster struck. The car balls’d up so we had to cancel Manchester. Don’t fret though, we are coming back in a month or so, plus tagging a few more dates on the Hear No Evil Bandwagon as and when we can. We even have a few festival feelers out there, so I’ll let you know as soon as that all works out. All in all the tour was exactly what I wanted it to be and exactly what I needed. We’re already planning another one for later in the year, aiming for November.

Now, more news! In the middle of all this a few friends and I decided to book an art exhibition! In august this year for the first time ever, I shall be exhibiting my work in the Oriel Bach gallery in the Mumbles. I’m not sure what work to put up yet so Im pretty much going to be painting my bum off between now and then and just see what my favourite work is. And that does also give me some time to build up a website and other bits and pieces so I can “package” my art in a way that is accessible.

And if that wasn’t enough, it looks like I’m leaving Swansea!!!! It’s very early days yet but me and the Mr are looking at Bristol, Manchester or London. Bristol is looking more likely though and Ive been told it has a good music and art scene! So, yes, Ive been busy! And yes, there is more to come!

On being obese and dealing with phallic mic stands...

By Leezann Davies

Christmas and New Years was nothing short of fantastic. I saw my family ( but not too much ), I saw my friends ( as much as I could ) and I saw a tin of quality street ( way too often ). And how my life has changed in such a short space of time. It’s just as if things are falling into places where spaces have already been made. My path feels exiting and set out. My routine has changed. My days are full and productive.

My first gig of the year was part of the Cheeky Monkey Mondays cabaret, and although its a very short set I am getting to play to people who wouldn’t normally get to hear my music which is nice. Plus they are always generous with their response! I actually like gigging in the Monkey Bar. It’s one of the few nice places left to gig, the sound in this one was one of the best ever and I could have played alot longer. The shortness of the set does limit what I can do I guess, I’m still looking forward to a long 45 minutes and then some set but that isn’t far off, not far off at all!

My last gig was in the Promised Land in Cardiff and that went..... ok. I’m not entirely sure whether it was my crowd that night, but a few friends from that neck of the woods got to see me play and that was the main thing. Although there was only one mic and the mic stand didn’t bend so ( in what I might add as an amazing feat of ingenuity ) I had to wedge the bloody thing in between my legs, the Cajon and the Keyboard. It was too phallic for words. I also had a good chat with the manager and it looks like a whole gig is on the cards up there too. Miss Jemma Krysa ( an act well worth researching ) drove me there and back and took me for a midnight McDonalds which was inhaled rather than chewed and I was so tired I didn’t care about the calories or eating cows eyelids.

Speaking of Calories, who else has had the misfortune of being stood on a Wii Fit recently? That white bitchy slab has been telling me for the last week or two that I am infact OBESE and must be shunned on sight ( ok I added the shunned part but the way it induces bodily shame should be considered a form of torture and used in interrogation of extremists, Bomb us will you? Well how about looking at THIS BMI?? We’d have weapons of mass destruction in minutes ). It did tell me to lose three stone though. I told it to fuckoff. I’ll focus on one stone, possibly. If I lost any more than that I’d be nothing more than a well groomed beard and a famished look and lets face it, my years of being pale and interesting are long done.

The only other bit of exiting news I have is that THE TOUR IS COMING ALONG SWIMMINGLY! On Feb 24th the Launch Night in Milkwood Jam begins and from there we are going all over the UK!! I can’t believe it is so close! You all have to come along and have a good old sing song with us. There are still dates to be confirmed and as soon as its all up I shall let you all know! I can’t speak too much on it just yet, cause there’s bits to still sort out and I’m going to save all that for another blog!

Anyhoo! Thanks for tuning in again!

Much Love

Ryan xxx

New Year Ramblings....

It’s that lovely reflective time of year, but let’s face it, I reflect every five seconds so this is no more different than usual. I’ve looked over some of my diaries for the last year and a lot has changed and yet some things in my life haven’t budged an inch. Or I feel they haven’t anyway. I just have no idea what’s next for me. I know clearly what I want for the next year and I’m very much looking forward to the things I have planned but today is the day where I make a bet with myself. How brave will I be this new year? In 2010 I did something I haven’t done in a very long time, I opened my heart to someone. He’s held it beautifully and does everything he can to make sure that the love we are creating together is growing and evolving and I’m doing my best to do the same.

In terms of music I have a few ideas up my sleeve this year and I’m looking forward to exploring loads of them but my main focus is simple. Gig more, gig often, and gig further away. I love Swansea and I love playing here but I’m just feeling the need to stretch my wings a little and find some new faces and new places. I’ve banded together with a couple of musicians and we are planning an onslaught of the UK in mid to late February and I have all my fingers crossed that it all goes to plan. I have more music to record, an acoustic piano EP to sort out and a few other side projects to invest some time in but my main focus cant change. Gig more, gig often and gig further away.

I feel in a lot of ways over the last few months I have begun to lose touch with my “inner musician-ness”. That optimism and drive has seemed to dwindle. The passion and desire to create never shifts but my focus has been blurry. I have meditated, read the cards, found my centre and am making a new start. Re heating the fire in my belly. I don’t think I’m quite there yet but I will be very soon. I’ve been journaling my ass off and getting clearer and clearer of the flavour of life I want to experience next. Maybe I get too caught up in the “How will this happen?” side of things instead of looking to find a creative solution. Well, maybe that can be something to explore this new year, I’ll put that on the list ( oh never ending lists ).

I do want to say though, to all of you out there who listen, watch, support and are there at the end of the phone, at the click of a text message or listening to my late night ramblings online, THANK YOU! You’ve helped me a lot, when I’ve questioned and doubted myself, when my confidence needed lifting and especially through every drama riddled artistic trailer door slamming toys out of the pram throwing unashamedly flamboyant hissy fit having moment I’ve had, YOU lot have been there and I’m grateful for that. Really.

Now without too much to say, I want you all to put your glad rags on and make a big bright toast to a new year. Just be sure to have FUN!

xxx

Weekly doodle!

Well here is my weekly doodle! I decided to do Illustration Friday this week although as much as I love doing it I can never seem to find the time to actually paint up my drawings! Never mind though, Christmas is swiftly on my tail and I’m sure I’ll get some down time to catch up on a few paintings. This weeks word was “Phenomenon”, which stumped me a little but I thought maybe some sort of mythical creature would be fun. I actually sat down to draw a dragon but for some reason a mermaid appeared on the page! Ah well I guess she fancied saying hello to the world! I so desperately need an A3 scanner though so I can start getting better quality digital images of my work. My camera is crappy and right at this moment I cannot for the life of me figure out how to transfer photoshop from my old laptop onto my new one, if anyone can help I can bribe you with cookies!

On the tour front it’s just at the waiting game stage. Everything is good to go it’s just waiting for some of the venues to confirm, I have more or less finished the Album design to have it printed and hopefully I’ll shift a few copies. The itunes sales are going ok but I want them to be better. I only have one gig left for this year and it’s at a comedy night in Cardiff (The Promise Bar, 22nd Dec), it’s a venue I haven’t played before but it should go ok, so, as long as there’s a PA I’m there!



I also dragged my bum to the cold beach this week to work on a project that I’d never tried before. Making a small video to go with one of my songs off the album. I went to the place I wrote the song and just took my camcorder and tried to make some interesting shots of the sea while keeping in mind the song. The humming within the song was inspired by me watching the sea and its rhythm so it seemed the most appropriate place to go. Ill put it below so you can have a peek. It’s inspired me to work on some more, i’m just waiting for a creative idea to pop into my head and then I’m all systems go!



As for the writing! Yes I have FINALLY started my new book. I’m not going to hammer at it, just chip away bit by bit until it’s done! It’s not a spiritual book because that kind of writing doesn’t like me right now! So, I’m just allowing the creativity of the characters in the book to flow through my head and I’ll just see where it takes me!
That should be it for this week! Ill try and squeeze in another blog before Xmas!

Ryan xx

Creativity and lack of sleep....

It’s some silly hour of the morning and to be honest I’m sick of staring at the ceiling wondering why I’m not asleep yet so I thought I’d sneak out of bed and come sit by the fire on this bitterly cold winter night. Yes, sneak out of bed. My boyfriend is officially moved in. We.ve unpacked till we cant unpack anymore and well, there’s still more crap to go through! Boxes of stuff! The end result is all worth it though, to watch him sleeping next to me, mumbling at the ceiling and kissing me in his sleep. He’s so adorable.

It’s that time of year again. Not Christmas! Not new year! Virgo Review time (lol). Time to take stock of everything and see what needs mending, and what needs celebrating. It has been a big year, with big life stuff happening. Both my grandmas passed away, I met a man, fell in love and moved in with him, released an album, started planning my first ever UK tour. Lots and lots of things happening and yet a part of me has seemed ill-content unless I have a problem to chew on. The only problem I have in my life right now though is accepting happiness. Stillness within happiness. Living with all this good feeling. I’ve literally not had this before and I’m watching as parts of my character try to mess it up and fail consistently each time. But something has been changing in me that I didn’t expect.

My creativity. I have dedicated the last five years of my life to healing. Healing everything about me. My past, my present, my spirit, my Self. And I’m not stupid enough to say that all the healing is done but I can say, with certainty, that I am long past the worst of it. The self hatred, self doubt and internal criticism have all stopped and my life changed because of it, my creativity has changed because of it. My music has always been an emotional release, a cathartic exorcism and while it still can be and at points still is that, I am getting moments of something else. Expression Absolute. No pain, no hurt, just creativity at its purest nucleic point. An energy that is a close likeness to my spirit. Vibration interpreting itself for the sheer fun of it. There are projects I am entertaining now that I would never have considered before. Projects that before my ego would have totally pooh pooh’d because how dare I do something for the fun of it. But here I am. And here I go.

I’m not quite sure what I have planned for next year. There will be a time for lists and goals, things to manifest and things to bring into being but for the winter, I am just going to throw myself at my writing. I’ve not been inspired much over the last year in terms of getting all these book ideas I have off the ground but lately they have been getting restless in my head. Earlier in the week one book idea starting jumping up and down begging to be born onto paper ( which isn’t something you expect while scrubbing a Bolognese stain at the kitchen sink ) and tomorrow morning I think I shall make a start. I’m also thinking of resurrecting my old video blog. .. ideas ideas ideas... we shall see.
Well that’s all I have to share with you for now!

Much Love!

xxx

New album and the big three oh.....

It’s been a while again, and with so many changes that have happened and so many things that I want to happen it’s a good time to catch up.

I turned 30. The BIG THREE OH. It seemed to pass like any other day, I was expecting some sort of Im-not-where-I-want-to-be freak out but it never happened. I made it. Thirty is a point where you sit back and think about your journey and mine has been long, and tough and at points harder than I thought I could handle but I’m here. Im the happiest I’ve ever been and that probably is the reason I sailed through the transition. What I have asked for is present and the universe and I are on good terms again. I gathered the troops and we went out Prehistoric Style and danced till our feet hurt and the room swayed, we had a few drinks at my house first and I took a look around my home, little things like paintings on the wall and instruments nestled in birthday present wrapping paper littered my floor, spilled beer, laughing, my friends and sitting next to the man I love, and in that moment it hit me. I am living a creative life, I am living the life I always wanted to. No pressure, no crappy jobs, no arguments, nothing bearing down on me, no I-can’t-breathe, just fun, creativity and love. All things present. Not bad at Thirty Mr James, not bad at all.

It helped alot that my ALBUM :RIVER OF BONES is released and out there. Nine months of hard work and it’s finally ready to be shared with the universe. To find the people it can inspire, to inspire me, to seek it’s place within music and to pave the way for me to find more moments of joy, more moments of clarity and more moments of inspiration. For those of you that have’nt heard it it’s at www.myspace.com/ryanjames. There’s a billion links all over the internet if you want to buy it but it can’t hurt to have one more so here....



...and to add some icing to the cake, to put a cherry on top and light the frikkin candle I am also planning a tour. A tour with a musician I have respected for years and we are banding together, pooling resources, thoughts and ideas and we are taking our music all over the UK. I can’t wait to explore the rest of the UK and see some new faces. I love playing Swansea, it’s just once you’ve played everywhere twice it begins to feel a little flat. And this year I played the UPLANDS MUSIC FESTIVAL. As exited as I was to get a spot, my spot was 1230 on a Sunday morning, I played to three people ( not including my friends ) and it’s the most disheartening feeling. To be sat there slugging your drums out to an empty room. I took it as a sign, time to leave, time to find an audience that will enjoy what I do. So that’s my focus right now, all the fun stuff, gigging, sharing music, doing my other projects and learning again.

I wont leave it so long next time.

Much Love
xxxx

Jihad in my Kitchen....

Jihad in my kitchen

It happened again. I thought my enemy was defeated and this was passed but I was wrong…. sooo wrong…..

I walked into my kitchen and there it was looking right at me. It must have found another way in. We have fought many wars over the years and sometimes… I have won and sometimes I only thought I did. Oh the sneaky bastards only let me think I’ve won but when my back was turned there they were again. Laughing.

The slug looked at me with its slug eyes and mocked me with it’s slug soul as it smugly sauntered up my kitchen bin toward slug nirvana. It can kiss my ass. The last two days I have woken up to a slug trail in my music room which was getting dangerously close to my drums and there’s nothing worse than feverishly hallucinating to the point where a slug trail reads “Fuck You Mammal!” all over the music room floor.

I leapt across the kitchen floor in a Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-Homosexual-Fury armed with nothing more than a tissue and some mental instability… it made a run for it, but luckily, slugs are quite slow so it didn’t get far. We wrestled. I screamed. It screamed (well I felt it scream from it’s soul) and I cast it out to the garden. Where it waits……and waits…

I’m sure it’s telling it’s story in the slug barracks today of the great battle of Yellow Bin whilst plotting and scheming of it’s return. We will meet again slug. We will.