Outlaws and cake!

Today my wonderous mother in law turned up with a home made cake that I argue is actually proof that heaven exists and we spent a family day dog walking down the local Caswell Beach. It's a lovely little beach and the beautiful rocks and twists and turns are the perfect setting for dreamy conversations and big thoughts.

I thought a lot about the ridiculous nature of pressure and the need to be defined by success. It's been something of an undercurrent in my life for so long that I am having trouble shaking the remainder of it. What if I am enough, as I am? What if I can truly value myself as a success, as I am, right here in this moment? When I think about the bigger picture I see how insane my mental garbage truly is. Of course I am already a success! I am in bliss and five years ago I opened my heart just enough to allow peace. Because of that action I am incrementally becoming a silent observer as this unrelenting wave of peace takes over my life. But there are times when I am very human and I judge myself. I think about what others are doing and play the dangerous game of stacking their “accomplishments” next to mine. I am grateful that these moments are now extremely rare in my life but they do still show themselves. They serve as a reminder for me that I must reconnect with peace. That I must remind myself that I am good enough and complete enough and loved enough and whole enough right here, right in this moment.

On the beach today surrounded by family and love I became so immersed in the bigger picture that I could see my small concerns for what they were. They were fragments of memories of who I used to be. I remembered that success is the feeling place of life itself and there I was feet in the water, boyfriend chatting away, dog chasing the ball, I felt SO loved. How can success be defined as anything else? No amount of money, cultural approval or external observation could have improved that moment or created it. It is life and loving and being loved, that is the nature of success.

Big Love

 

Ryan James

x

 

 

Chewing on a new idea...

Chewing on a new idea.

It is not very often in my life that I have felt truly lost. Don't get me wrong I regularly wander around the workings of my life like most people at some point feeling dazed and confused but I rarely, truly feel lost, especially as much as I have done this past year. Lost is that feeling of a quiet desperation behind a polite smile. Lost is a busy life masking a mind in pain. Lost is filling your time with the goals and dreams of others at the cost of your own heart. All of which I have done at points this year. My mum said that a lot of people “go a little funny” in their early thirties. It might be me dealing with no longer being young or maybe me not being where I thought I would be in my life. I have been forced into a state of perpetual surrender this past few years as I have opened my life to the feeling of true peace. The brighter this peace has become in my life the more glaringly obvious everything that is not of that peace has become.

I have prayed hard, talked to my friends relentlessly and done my best to ride the wave of evolution that has been working it's way through my system. I am generally the kind of person who, when I don't know what to do, I do EVERYTHING, and I mean everything. I work at every idea that crosses my mind and in the panic that has infiltrated my system over this last year it has often lead me to confuse desperate attempts at connection with genuine intuitive hunches. I know in my heart that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and exactly where I want to be. I know in my heart that I am living the life I am meant to and the life that is best for me but I also feel that the old remnants of an ego centred view of my life are preventing me from truly taking a good bite of the joy I have.

Each new level of self love demands a new level of trust in the Universe/God/The angels. I have put my life and my centre in it's hands plenty of times and been taken care of but my ego is effectively deceptive at helping me to forget to trust God. A jehovah's witness knocked my door the other day and began to unravel a picture of God as an absentee parent figure who is about to come back and give us all a slap around the head for being naughty boys and girls. I told him that God was the action of silence and he rests that silence on our heads because he has already put the answers to every question we may ever have in our hearts. We already know, I already know, as much as I may wrestle. The Jehovah's witness looked inspired, confused and began to stutter as he chewed on a new idea of God that challenged what he had been taught. I knew in that moment that I was doing the same. I have been stuttering around a new idea of being and living on the planet for a while now and it's time for me to trust more, love more and take the biggest bite I can!

Big Love

Ryan James

www.psychicswansea.co.uk

 

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone!

Swansea looks beautiful today as the first taste of spring hits the sea turning it from its usual silver to a shining blue. I am curled up in my creative space writing away, chatting to the dog and he is fearlessly guarding me from his own reflection in the windows. This morning is all about chocolate! I thought I would do a small Easter hunt for my boyfriend and got a whole bunch of chocolate bunnies and hid them around the house. He loved it and it was cute watching him try and reach the things I had put on the higher shelves! Of course I got caught up in all the excitement and have forgotten where I have put one of the bunnies. So, with summer on it's way we are both going to have to wait until something smells before we find the damn thing! Fingers crossed we come across it before it goes green and fluffy...

Our anniversary went brilliantly yesterday and we just spent the whole day doing exactly what we felt like, which to be honest, wasn't much. We have both built a life that celebrates each other constantly so it's awesome doing things we would normally do on a special occasions. We buy each other presents, and go to see things we want to see and it doesn't matter if its an occasion or not. It was just another awesome day for us.

The tour is all a go and after putting it all up on the website it has become scarily real. I'm keeping myself centred throughout it and making sure I don't fall back onto old obsessive habits. I think that's going to be part of the healing this tour is going to give me. Finally laying to rest old wounds and allowing me a space just to enjoy my music and being creative within it. I think as with all healing curves there will be a lot to learn for me this time around. It's just a matter of learning the logistics of it and keeping myself centred. Weirdly I am not actually nervous about the tour itself, or about audience sizes, or about how it is viewed externally. I am more focussed on keeping myself where I am emotionally and spiritually and there's plenty of time between now and then to do a little work on myself.

With it being Easter I guess it's time for me to follow the magic in the air and give a little re birth to myself. See which parts I want to take forward and which ones to leave behind.

Big Love and Chocolate!

Ryan James

A day to chillax....

     Today was spent mostly in recovery of "TakeAway Tuesdays" and my first trial of a chinease beancurd curry! I woke this morning to find my poor little woofit had barfed on the new rug ( typical ) after he had decided it was a good idea to chomp on the freshly piled manure in the local park yesterday. So two sore bellies in our house!  And for some reason known only to me and God I thought a milkshake might help my belly... and yes, many boys did turn up to my yard. If only to be repelled again by what the milkshake did to an already uneasy stomach. Thankfully the woofit and I are sat in my creative room sharing a blanket and both snoozing and watching films.

     With it being the equinox today I wanted to take the theme of balance and apply it to some of the projects and business' I am interested in. I can almost feel a conclusion or solution forming in the back of my head somewhere to some of the bits and pieces I wanted resolving recently. I went to an animation open day to explore doing another degree in the subject but I also really want to develope another business idea I have. I'm really deciding whether I can do both effectively at the moment and I feel the solution is close. I know I CAN do both, it's just whether I can do both well, especially with the books, art and music all coming together too. I may need another Virgo List-Fest Brainstorming session soon ( you have no idea how much that excites me, I may even buy a new pen ).

     Now, thank fully that bloody mercury retrograde has passed and the unhealed wounds that have slapped me in the face over the last few weeks have been healed, transcended and thankfully released I can get to work on the next phaze of my spiritual journey which I know is to definately listen more. I run a class in intuitive coaching every other monday and after the last class I sat and did some "reading" of my own energy and I felt more inconsistencies that I would like, nothing huge, but taking care of the small bits before they slap you on the head has in my experience always been the best thing to do. So, I'm going to practice a little of what I preach and use what I have to centre myself for the next month or two. I think it's going to be interesting.

     I think I'll sign out for now as this is the third blog I've written in today. I have had a mild internet snoop to see if there are any other bloggers out there I can connect to but nothing as of yet. I shall keep looking though.

   
Big Loves

Ryan James