Your mask is pain management, nothing more.

 

Which do you choose?

 

We all have, to some degree, an outer mask. We have all at some point in our lives created a “public persona” that we show to the world. We completely internalise our insecurities and wash them over with ideas that we are happier than we really are, more successful than we really are and more popular than we really are. But there comes a point when this mask we have created to protect ourselves becomes a prison of it's own making. I have read so many clients this last year who's “brave face” has been practised so habitually that it's become it's own separate identity. We all know someone who believes in their own lies, but how many are you telling yourself?

 

This mask is a pain management skill. I've done it myself and I know of all the little twists and turns it can take you on. I have pretended to be O.K when I wasn't, I have pretended to be “busy and successful” when I was bored and broke, I have pretended to be peaceful when I was angry and I have stood and told everyone around me that I was fine at the times in my life when the pain in my heart was overwhelming. I learned two things during this time of my life. The first, is that people aren't stupid. It doesn't take much to look beneath someone's mask. A discerning eye can see beyond the words you speak to the words you're actually saying. The mask isn't fooling anyone, not even you, not really. The second thing I learned is that when I put the mask down and spoke about my pain, it was O.K. Nothing exploded and all my limbs remained in tact. It is O.K. To let it all out,find a good friend, get a diary, anything really, just find a space where you can honour your own honesty.

 

Of course your life changes when you speak the truth but it always changes for the better. I learned who my real friends were, who was there for me and gained incredible strength in authenticity.

Your ability to be vulnerable is one of your greatest strengths. A persona designed to protect your wounds only ever eventually creates a place for them to grow. You have a choice in each moment of your life to self promote a false ideal or to speak your truth. Which do you choose?

 

Big Love

 

Ryan James

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter everyone!

Swansea looks beautiful today as the first taste of spring hits the sea turning it from its usual silver to a shining blue. I am curled up in my creative space writing away, chatting to the dog and he is fearlessly guarding me from his own reflection in the windows. This morning is all about chocolate! I thought I would do a small Easter hunt for my boyfriend and got a whole bunch of chocolate bunnies and hid them around the house. He loved it and it was cute watching him try and reach the things I had put on the higher shelves! Of course I got caught up in all the excitement and have forgotten where I have put one of the bunnies. So, with summer on it's way we are both going to have to wait until something smells before we find the damn thing! Fingers crossed we come across it before it goes green and fluffy...

Our anniversary went brilliantly yesterday and we just spent the whole day doing exactly what we felt like, which to be honest, wasn't much. We have both built a life that celebrates each other constantly so it's awesome doing things we would normally do on a special occasions. We buy each other presents, and go to see things we want to see and it doesn't matter if its an occasion or not. It was just another awesome day for us.

The tour is all a go and after putting it all up on the website it has become scarily real. I'm keeping myself centred throughout it and making sure I don't fall back onto old obsessive habits. I think that's going to be part of the healing this tour is going to give me. Finally laying to rest old wounds and allowing me a space just to enjoy my music and being creative within it. I think as with all healing curves there will be a lot to learn for me this time around. It's just a matter of learning the logistics of it and keeping myself centred. Weirdly I am not actually nervous about the tour itself, or about audience sizes, or about how it is viewed externally. I am more focussed on keeping myself where I am emotionally and spiritually and there's plenty of time between now and then to do a little work on myself.

With it being Easter I guess it's time for me to follow the magic in the air and give a little re birth to myself. See which parts I want to take forward and which ones to leave behind.

Big Love and Chocolate!

Ryan James

Yup, still hurts.....

 

So, the bruising on my back has started to heal and yes I'm hobbling around the house like something out of a horror movie but thankfully Stupot has a week off so I'm being looked after and being a pharmacist I can have all the meds I want!! If I wanted to spend the week believing Im a flying unicorn I'm sure he could hook me up! Although to be honest I always hate taking pills, I'm not sure if it's because of the chemicals or not but just never been a massive fan!

 

 We were planning on going to Cornwall for a few days because our anniversary is this week ( 3 years!!! what happened there?! ) but seeing as Cornwall is having it's own mini apocolypse I think I'll just drag me and the boy to Bristol to see the aquarium. I'm also dying to go to the natural history museum in London to see giant dinosaur bones but if we can't fit that in this week I shall organise a giant trip. The kind of trip with a mini bus and packed lunches. Ooh, that is so happening, I'll put the feelers out today.

 

I started painting on the 4 x 4 tiny plaques of wood I bought months ago and they actually turned out alright. I've learned it benefits to sand the wood first and I think I'm going to need new pens ( stationary addict ) so today is going to be a good day.

 

Big Love

 

Ryan James

 

 

New brain please!

 

Yup, I did it again! As I was getting into the shower yesterday the matt slipped and my naked butt was slapped most ungraciously onto the cold tile floor and my foot twisted itself almost into the plughole. I am taking in the whole experience as a talent because we have the smallest cubicle for a shower there ever was and to fall on your way INTO it is an achievement in itself.  You know that horrible moment after you fall over and you do a sort of "systems check"? You know, right, nothing is broken, bleeding or too painful, so all is well? Well after that I seemed all ok except the fall for some reason seemed to trigger a migraine so I spent ALL of yesterday in bed. Annoying doesn't cover it. I had plans for blogging and painting and making music but no, me and bruised buttocks were forced into a day of nothingness. On the plus side I caught up on a lot of sleep. My boyfriend temporarily convinced himself that I had a concussion but as soon as that drama passed it was back to the most appropriate response....ridicule. On that note I have actually been spelling ridiculous as REdiculous for years and never knew I was making a spelling mistake. No wonder I was lashed, maybe it was the writing Gods?

 

I never thought of myself as a person who falls over. There always seems a type doesn't there? I never considered myself to be it but apparently I am. I swear I looked like a praying mantis on ice. I have in the last few years thrown myself down a few stair cases, concrete ones in my last house which came complete with my flip flop doing the cliche'd "doioioiongg" motion as it jammed itself into the shed door and possibly the most embarrassing was when I fell down the length of stairs ( about 30 - 40 ish ) in the local Monkey Bar and then COLLIDED into a group of smartly dressed handsome boys at the foot of the stairs.... You know those moments when you hope your shame will cause your entire body to implode?? Yeah.... that. Its weird how your own response is either to get up sharply and pretend as if nothing has happened strutting away glassy eyed and limping or to feign even greater injury to attempt to snuffle the giggles. I've done both but yesterday was special, and painful....

 

 

Big Love

 

Ryan McSoreButt James

 

A day to chillax....

     Today was spent mostly in recovery of "TakeAway Tuesdays" and my first trial of a chinease beancurd curry! I woke this morning to find my poor little woofit had barfed on the new rug ( typical ) after he had decided it was a good idea to chomp on the freshly piled manure in the local park yesterday. So two sore bellies in our house!  And for some reason known only to me and God I thought a milkshake might help my belly... and yes, many boys did turn up to my yard. If only to be repelled again by what the milkshake did to an already uneasy stomach. Thankfully the woofit and I are sat in my creative room sharing a blanket and both snoozing and watching films.

     With it being the equinox today I wanted to take the theme of balance and apply it to some of the projects and business' I am interested in. I can almost feel a conclusion or solution forming in the back of my head somewhere to some of the bits and pieces I wanted resolving recently. I went to an animation open day to explore doing another degree in the subject but I also really want to develope another business idea I have. I'm really deciding whether I can do both effectively at the moment and I feel the solution is close. I know I CAN do both, it's just whether I can do both well, especially with the books, art and music all coming together too. I may need another Virgo List-Fest Brainstorming session soon ( you have no idea how much that excites me, I may even buy a new pen ).

     Now, thank fully that bloody mercury retrograde has passed and the unhealed wounds that have slapped me in the face over the last few weeks have been healed, transcended and thankfully released I can get to work on the next phaze of my spiritual journey which I know is to definately listen more. I run a class in intuitive coaching every other monday and after the last class I sat and did some "reading" of my own energy and I felt more inconsistencies that I would like, nothing huge, but taking care of the small bits before they slap you on the head has in my experience always been the best thing to do. So, I'm going to practice a little of what I preach and use what I have to centre myself for the next month or two. I think it's going to be interesting.

     I think I'll sign out for now as this is the third blog I've written in today. I have had a mild internet snoop to see if there are any other bloggers out there I can connect to but nothing as of yet. I shall keep looking though.

   
Big Loves

Ryan James
    

Catch up!

 

- tired in bed watching the sea....

 

I say this every damn time but I promise you I don't mean to leave big gaps between posts in my personal blog. Things have been a bit crazy here but once I decided it was best to not “Duck and Cover” I started gathering what I needed to not only move forward but to do it peacefully. Basically I'm doing an absolute TONNE of re branding, re designing, of all my creative works into one cohesive space. All of my art, my music, my creative writing, my poems and all the bits and pieces in between are all going in one space. I physically do not have the time to chase around 7 different websites. It's all in the process of being in one place which is good I think but the only trick is to do that and not make it look completely chaotic.

Obviously in the middle of all that I receive the intuitive message that it's time to re brand the spiritual website in order to help my work reach a wider audience and prepare for my upcoming book, which yes, I am writing at the moment ( going good too! ). I am also writing the chapter outlines for the preceding book to that which needs to be done because they kind of coincide with each other. I have also just received the quote for another website I'm having built which I am RIDICULOUSLY excited about but also need a healthy lump sum to get going and in the middle of all this crazyness I decided it would be a good idea to explore going to back to University part time. Put all this with a busy day job, recording an album and keeping up with a social life has left me this morning, as expected, crashed out in bed.

It does sound like a lot on paper and believe me it is a lot in real life too but I have learned from mistakes of the past and I take regular time out to look after myself, walk my dog and spend time with my boyfriend. Doing all of this and doing it peacefully means doing it incrementally too. Piece by piece, day by day I slowly chip away at going through my lists and do my best to stick to my weekly plan ( a little tool I adopted years ago which saves my life constantly ). I always take a day off in the week to veg out, draw and watch ridiculous sci fi, really the worse the better. I don't know what it says about me but I actually started watching LOST recently. It doesn't scare me that I'm watching it but the fact I completely understand it sends cold sweats down my spine...

But I digress...

I'm busy but good busy, happy and loved, I have things to work towards and friends to share it with. Life is good and kind and peaceful and I feel lucky to be in a position where I can create more platforms to share with you.

Biggest Love

Ryan James

Happy New Year!

I feel so much more myself these days. This year has truly taught me about my centre and being authentic and how to express LOVE and PEACE more fluidly. I began the year feverish and trying everything I could to fix my life from the outside in. I had a picture in my mind of what I wanted things to look like and I was hell bent on making it happen. My spirit, the Universe and everything In between had other ideas. One small sleepless night in March started a sequence of events that has brought me to a place I thought I had let go of a long time ago.

This year taught me to truly respect myself and those around me. Some people have joined me on that journey this year and some have fallen away, I love them all non the less. It has been trying at times to draw that circle around myself, to treat myself and my environment as sacred. I have learned the real gift of being myself and finding my authenticity again. I had lost it, given parts of myself away to people who I thought knew better and in claiming it back I realised it's strength. When you truly stand in your own shoes, with your own voice in your own head you are unstoppable. You see where your energy has been leaking out and where you have been giving it away.

I have well and truly let go of the image of my life and have surrendered to it's substance. I no longer judge myself through other people's eyes or live by others standards. Believe me I was shocked to find out that I was still doing that. My creativity collapsed around me only to be rebuilt. I reawoke the dream I had as a seven year old to become a writer and finally let myself create in that way again. I learned to love art in a new way and built a community to share it. I even learned to love music again, this time with complete respect for myself and those within and around it.

This year has been a beginning for me. A lot of things have been set into motion, the fruit of which I might not see for a little while yet. The new house, going on holiday, meeting new people, starting a book, setting up an exhibition, cancelling a tour, starting an album, creating new partnerships, this whole process has been a rebirth and sharing it with you has been incredible. I finally live in reverance for my life and I am excited to see where it takes me.

Big Loves

Ry x

Christmas Rush already?

 

Getting ready to take my work to the gallery!

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I can surprise myself how much I've changed. This year has been such a steep learning curve in self respect and self honour and I am so glad to have finally come to this space. I've let go of a lot of old habits and old thoughts and I've even let go of a few people, all of which has helped me to rise to a deeper understanding of myself. I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned so far this year is to completely heal my relationship with loving others. Looking back I can see that I used to believe that if I loved you in any way shape or form then in that I also gave people the right to treat me any way they chose. I made excuses for others behaviours based on MY caring for their well being. I even in most cases put their needs before mine. That has all changed.

 

 

I have definitely been ready this year to put in place the boundaries and self protective energies around me and fill myself with healing and self love so that a line drawn to respect and protect myself wouldn't feel like revenge or malice. I am simply not where I used to be. I don't think like I used to think and I don't behave like I used to behave. From where I am now I look back and cringe at some of things I've said and done. The way I used to let people treat me used to turn my stomach but these days I am more and more at peace with it. I have forgiven and let go. I am absolutely certain that without the sour my life wouldn't be so sweet.

 

 

December the first was yesterday and I can feel a new energy wake and crawl into my system. I am catching glimpse's of a new person waking up within me and it feels gorgeous. I am still working on the pace and momentum of my creativity and the knowledge that peace works on its own time still needs to reach some corners of my mind. I am ready for it to do so though. I have project after project lined up and ready for me to delve into although I still haven't found that new thing I want to learn. Each year I choose to learn a new skill. It doesn't have to be anything huge, yodelling, the cello, painting, crafting, sewing, anything really. I've been looking at maybe sculpting or leather craft. I suppose it's a whole year so I could choose a few things but one will be enough to think about now.

 

 

I have a BIG week of readings ahead and the Christmas Rush has begun. I am eager to meet new people and see new things and see if this new evolution plays out in my work. I know over the last few years I've been getting more sensitive to energies which has been playing out in my readings so I wonder if this is part of that? We'll see and I'l keep you posted! On this lazy rainy Sunday I am going for a hot Sunday dinner in my favourite local and then to pick up the artwork from the gallery, after that it's a well deserved rest ready for the week ahead!

Big Love

Ryan

 

Some pics from the gallery!

 

New energy, new art, new music!

I've had a feeling for a short while that around December 1^st there would be a shift beginning in my life. I don't know what it is exactly but I am sure now that it's begun. Too many things from my history have turned up for me to clear up and resolve. I think the Mercury Retrograde definitely helped me to clear up any unresolved energies from my past. One of the things it brought to the surface was an old feeling of self doubt. I've been working with and healing through a lot of my self worth issues over the last year or so and doing all I can to clear up any residual “not good enough”'s. Something that always happens when you start to go in a new direction is that anything contradictory to that direction within your energy system tends to show up. In the past I mistook these for “signs”, but they weren't. They were just residual ideas of who I used to be.

Everything in my life has begun happening at a much slower, easier pace. Weirdly enough the less effort I have been putting into my life the more that seems to be accomplished. I chip away at bits and pieces of everything, making sure to add slowly little bits and pieces of everything I love to my daily routine, including writing, which now has become my favourite part of my morning routine. Sending out the morning blogs and mailing lists doesn't take a lot of time and I thoroughly enjoy it. I also think I'm not so secretly preparing myself for a lot more writing projects next year with all my book ideas slowly solidifying in my head. I lost a lot of the initial writing I did when the last hard drive went Kapoof! But deep down I wasn't that upset or annoyed so I must know somewhere in my consciousness that something richer can be achieved.

My art exhibit has been up nearly a week now which seems to have been less than the blink of an eye and I have no idea yet if anything has sold. If it hasn't I guess i'll start putting more things online because I am quickly running out of room in my little man cave! I have enjoyed the space to start working on my art and developing it more. I think that there has been an emotional distance within the paintings that needs to be fulfilled. I have very much been working on my technique and colour so now creating something with a bit of belly seems to be the right balance. I still have everything based around character design but they are changing. I'll keep you posted.

Musically the new collection of songs is coming together nicely but slowly. I still get ridiculously excited when it comes to creating music and I think the feverish OCD obsessional nature has finally mostly subsided. “Machine” is the first song that's been crafted ( and that is the right word ) and I am over the moon at how it sounds. I am re-doing “Veins” from the last album and “Heart is Thunder” a piano tune are both nearly at completion too. This first little triad sounds so exactly where I want it to go and want it to be that I am instinctively protective over it. Don't worry though, for any of you out there that like my tunes I shall post stuff and have some sort of party when it's all done. I am also definitely re-branding and re-packaging my creative outlets into a single space. I simply don't have the time to manage an art site, music site and writing site and spiritual site plus with art swaps an origami society and a few other creative expressions it's just a bit all over the place so next year it will all be condensed into two separate spaces. One for my creative work and the other for my spiritual work. I shall facebook the hell out of all of you when it's up and ready.

Big Love

Ryan

Where did that year go?

I really can't believe that we are so close to the end of the year already!!! It' has swung around so quickly and it's that time where I prepare for christmas-mania and family-madness. I start to take stock of what a momentous year I've had. Going on a music hiatus, buying a house, an exhibition, my first holiday in ten years and FINALLY surrendering to peace. It's a lot to take in. My life looks completely different now to how it did only what seems a few months ago. I can say without question I am the happiest I have ever been and although it's not been the gentlest of journeys to peace I'm so glad that I'm here!

Last night I was once again back in the studio recording my new collection of songs. The sound is so different and a complete collaboration and amalgamation of everything Ive ever done and if that wasn't good enough I get to share it with one of my best mates! The sound is different, each song is a little world unto itself and now the feverish obsession has ceased I can fully surrender to the organic natural evolution of each song. I noticed last night though the difference in my voice, not singing live or not singing at all has definitely made it weaker and unable to sustain the strength it used to have. I guess I need to get behind the keys a bit more to get that back. Everything just feels so easy , which is refreshing. I have some re-branding to consider and new things to start putting in place and although this collection is no where near ready to share yet I can connect with the excitement of it without wanting to unleash it yet.

On the art front my exhibition is less than a few days away. All the paintings are done and there's only a small bit of printing out and general faffy bits that need to be completed. I only realised a few weeks ago that this is my first ever solo exhibition and I already have plans for the next. I have learned a lot though. I've done this whole thing the wrong way round and worked to a deadline rather than create work and then find a place to display it. But I am back in the Oriel Bach Gallery from the 26^th to the following Sunday so if you have time that week pop down and have a look at my new work. Ill post some pictures on here for those of you who don't have any spare time

 

Ill try not to leave it so long next time. Every time I write in my personal blog I get reminded of how good it feels.

 

Catch you all soon

 

Ry x