Saturday, 23 April 2011

A morning to surrender.

Healing takes place constantly, and I guess now that Mercury Retrograde is finally at it’s end I can review all the issues it’s brought to the surface. The astrologers say that you feel Mercury’s pull strongest at the beginning and at the end of it’s backward cycle so I guess that’s why I’m feeling a little disjointed this morning. I feel everything this morning. Beauty, peace, awkwardness, uncomfortable, upset, happy, all of it, absolutely all of it. I guess today though I want to address parts of me that need offloading. This is after all my online diary, I don’t know why I feel the need to share some things in this way but I do. My paper diaries, art journals, songs, paintings, all of it seems to be about working through stuff so why should this diary be any different.

I guess what it’s brought to the surface is the feeling of always catching up. Always being one step behind everyone else. It’s probably the reason I never stop working. It’s probably the reason I give myself too much to do. With a list of albums to complete, books to write, paintings to draw, worlds to create the moments of peace are becoming tainted, and I don’t want that any more. But I can’t continue in this loop of, hissy fitting every few months because I burn myself out- deciding that experience is more important than work – having time to smell the flowers for a week or two and then slowly but surely the work creeps in and in and in and before I know it Im back where I started. I don’t want that any more. I want to bury this insecurity. This feeling that being incomplete is something negative. If someone else were to present me with this problem I’d ask them who were they trying to please? People don’t work that hard unless they’re seeking approval. So who’s am I after? Myself? Parents? You?

I’ve got a fair bit to figure out I guess in the next few days. All healing begins with forgiveness so I should ask myself really, who I need to forgive? It always starts with self, I know that much but then what? Where did I learn in my existence that who I am/what I do/what I give isn’t good enough? Because it’s definitely that feeling.

On this quiet beautiful morning, with my beloved fast asleep in the room next to me I want to let go of this negativity. I remember not feeling good enough right throughout my school days, I remember not feeling good enough when I accepted that I was gay, I remember blaming myself for my parents break up, old failed relationships, old failed friendships even and I remember not feeling good enough for a looooong time. Of course other people have expectations of you, that goes without saying, but it was me that took them onboard and tried to live up to them and I need to forgive myself for that. This isn’t about trying to find someone to blame. I need to let go of not feeling good enough.

I love a good ritual, it awakens the pagan in me. Something symbolic that states my completeness within my incompleteness. That I am more than good enough in my current state. That helps me to forgive and let go and heal. The reflections that have been surrounding me lately are all starting to make sense, so I know I’m on the right track. This isn’t something that belongs to who I am now. It belongs to who I was. An old self that needs releasing. An old lesson that needs healing at a deeper level. I will spend some time today gathering herbs, talking with the trees and allowing the grace of nature to work in me and through me. Surrender is a beautiful thing and today I give myself to it, again.

Thank you for being part of this journey with me. I’ll write again soon.