How do I know which part of me wants what? I have literally been tearing my head apart these last few days and ended up creating a three day migrane as a result. Which part of me feeds from drama, from victimhood, from approval? The things jumping through my head lately have been a giant blast from the past and it’s left me reeling from it. Amidst all this is also whether I ask for help. Is that refusal of ownership or a feat of martyrdom? I also know that the last time I did this to myself it was because I was avoiding looking at something. It’s the only real reason to create this blanket of self imposed chaos.
Everything I do I do out of one simple reason, I LOVE to do it. I love making music, being part of someone’s spiritual journey, painting a picture, writing a story, folding paper, making a piece of jewelry, the whole lot! But lately it’s all felt more stress than fun, heavier than happier and last night I burned incense and candles and figured out why.
If you’re used to a way of thinking, if an issue is unresolved it has a “knack” of working its way to the surface, especially if you’re stepping out of it. When you choose to move forward sometimes you need to shake the shit off your shoe first. Who I was, was riddled with fear, any form of it it could get it’s hands on and that part of me would hold on for grim life. So I’m not entirely shocked it surfaced right now. It appears at the moment that I can do no wrong, this “midas” touch I have seems to have spread itself all over my life. Writing ideas are flowing, album ideas are flowing, art exhibition ideas are flowing, clients are brimming through my books and even small things I want are just showing up effortlessly.
I’m all about the challenge, finding my limits and pushing them that step further. Forcing myself to expand and I do this all for one reason, JOY. For the last four years this joy, this inner peace has been unshakeable from my consciousness. When I am happy, sad, angry, hopeful, it is there underneath it all letting me know that nothing really matters as much as I think it does. That I am here for one reason only. That part of me gets the joke.
It’s long past time for me to say goodbye to this part of my internal saboteur. Fear is here to teach us our boundaries, to show us the limits we think we have. Fear is the act of doing something uncommon. So lets get ready for me to crap myself!!! Haha