Friday, 13 December 2013
Thursday, 10 October 2013
Monday, 7 October 2013
Sunday, 6 October 2013
Today my wonderous mother in law turned up with a home made cake that I argue is actually proof that heaven exists and we spent a family day dog walking down the local Caswell Beach. It's a lovely little beach and the beautiful rocks and twists and turns are the perfect setting for dreamy conversations and big thoughts.
I thought a lot about the ridiculous nature of pressure and the need to be defined by success. It's been something of an undercurrent in my life for so long that I am having trouble shaking the remainder of it. What if I am enough, as I am? What if I can truly value myself as a success, as I am, right here in this moment? When I think about the bigger picture I see how insane my mental garbage truly is. Of course I am already a success! I am in bliss and five years ago I opened my heart just enough to allow peace. Because of that action I am incrementally becoming a silent observer as this unrelenting wave of peace takes over my life. But there are times when I am very human and I judge myself. I think about what others are doing and play the dangerous game of stacking their “accomplishments” next to mine. I am grateful that these moments are now extremely rare in my life but they do still show themselves. They serve as a reminder for me that I must reconnect with peace. That I must remind myself that I am good enough and complete enough and loved enough and whole enough right here, right in this moment.
On the beach today surrounded by family and love I became so immersed in the bigger picture that I could see my small concerns for what they were. They were fragments of memories of who I used to be. I remembered that success is the feeling place of life itself and there I was feet in the water, boyfriend chatting away, dog chasing the ball, I felt SO loved. How can success be defined as anything else? No amount of money, cultural approval or external observation could have improved that moment or created it. It is life and loving and being loved, that is the nature of success.
Saturday, 5 October 2013
Friday, 4 October 2013
Thursday, 3 October 2013
Sharing your privilege.
I love you when I get up in the morning and I love you when I go to bed. I love you whether we are friends or even if we haven't met. I love you for no other reason than to enjoy loving you. I love you even if you hate me or have gone out of your way to hurt me, my love will never be defined or diminished by your pain. I love you even if you have spread rumours about me and thought hateful things about me because I deserve to feel good about you even if you can't feel good about yourself. I love you no matter what and that will never change. Sometimes I might need a little help getting to that space but I will love myself on my journey there and love myself when I am there too.
Love cures you and uplifts you and changes you. Loving people who love you is easy, it's play time for the soul. Loving people who are only able to show you their pain right now is more challenging but it can be done and more importantly you deserve to love them. It is sometimes a privilege they cant give themselves.
I woke this morning thinking of the incredible journey I have been on. My dog woke me up to feed him by hitting me in the face with his nose and the love of my life snoozed dreamily next to me. I woke in a bed inside a house I love, in a city I love, in a job I love and with friends and family I love and I am so grateful to be here. I did spare a small thought for those that couldn't join me where I am and I am glad that I can now look back with an open and honest heart and see only the good memories that we shared. I walked passed my old flat yesterday and thought about the good times I had there, the times I partied and laughed and shared and healed in those four walls will forever be a defining chapter in my life. That time rooted me in who I am and the time I am living in now is allowing it to flourish.
I discovered the power and privilege of unconditional love. I have discovered peace. These are now the undercurrents of everything that takes place in my life. This doesn't mean I don't get angry, sad or confused at times but it does mean I can get back to my centre a lot quicker than I used to. When you learn to love and to practice unconditional love your life will unravel to a state of true authenticity which is something I think everyone has the ability to do. With that in mind, begin.
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
It's cheesy and corny but it's true. I love this ball of fluff insane amounts! I would urge anyone thinking of getting an animal to rescue. They really are so loving!
Ryan James and Oscar!
I've also become one of those people who have a facebook page for their pet... and no, I don't have shame! wahaha xx
How to live through grief.
We all grieve. We grieve for people that have transitioned to spirit, we grieve for who we were, we grieve for our innocence and we grieve for the living we have had to let go. We are all on some level in a state of grief because we are all on some level surrendering something. Grief is not simply missing someone, it is an acute and extremely tangible pain that demands healing and attention. It is generally not something that can be put on the back burner. The passing of time can help you to learn to live with it but what can we do to actually heal it?
When a dramatic change has entered your life and grief takes over there is one truth that we need to accept. You will never be the same again. You are different now and will be for the rest of your life. It is completely in your hands whether that can instigate a move towards becoming a stronger more loving version of yourself or whether the grief takes over and you cease to move forward. You will not only mourn for whatever has left your life but you will also mourn for the person YOU were during that interaction.
The first step is to make peace with a new version of who you are. This can feel extremely uneasy and in the cases where the grief is centred around a person transitioning to spirit, it can even feel a little disrespectful but it is a necessary step toward healing. If you are grieving a relationship loss then you can take what you have learned and make it onto something with a positive momentum in your life. If you are grieving a person you can take their love and light and allow it to continue it's work on the planet through you and your actions. There is no right and wrong way to handle grief, I have grieved very differently for different stages in my life. Relationship breakdowns, grandparents transitioning, a friend unexpectedly transitioning, friendships dissolving and generally growing and becoming a new person have required me to grieve in different ways at different times. You learn make peace with who you were within that experience and lovingly say goodbye to that old you and then you allow the new you to fill in the gaps. It can and will be challenging but it can be done.
Whatever your grief is please, be easy on yourself. Don't waste time trying to feel normal again, you have a new normal now, and it will serve you best to look for whatever that is for you. If you need to get things off your chest and no one is about then email me. I can't promise I will be able to answer all of you but I can promise that I will do my best and that I will keep you all in my prayers and my heart.
Monday, 30 September 2013
Chewing on a new idea.
It is not very often in my life that I have felt truly lost. Don't get me wrong I regularly wander around the workings of my life like most people at some point feeling dazed and confused but I rarely, truly feel lost, especially as much as I have done this past year. Lost is that feeling of a quiet desperation behind a polite smile. Lost is a busy life masking a mind in pain. Lost is filling your time with the goals and dreams of others at the cost of your own heart. All of which I have done at points this year. My mum said that a lot of people “go a little funny” in their early thirties. It might be me dealing with no longer being young or maybe me not being where I thought I would be in my life. I have been forced into a state of perpetual surrender this past few years as I have opened my life to the feeling of true peace. The brighter this peace has become in my life the more glaringly obvious everything that is not of that peace has become.
I have prayed hard, talked to my friends relentlessly and done my best to ride the wave of evolution that has been working it's way through my system. I am generally the kind of person who, when I don't know what to do, I do EVERYTHING, and I mean everything. I work at every idea that crosses my mind and in the panic that has infiltrated my system over this last year it has often lead me to confuse desperate attempts at connection with genuine intuitive hunches. I know in my heart that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and exactly where I want to be. I know in my heart that I am living the life I am meant to and the life that is best for me but I also feel that the old remnants of an ego centred view of my life are preventing me from truly taking a good bite of the joy I have.
Each new level of self love demands a new level of trust in the Universe/God/The angels. I have put my life and my centre in it's hands plenty of times and been taken care of but my ego is effectively deceptive at helping me to forget to trust God. A jehovah's witness knocked my door the other day and began to unravel a picture of God as an absentee parent figure who is about to come back and give us all a slap around the head for being naughty boys and girls. I told him that God was the action of silence and he rests that silence on our heads because he has already put the answers to every question we may ever have in our hearts. We already know, I already know, as much as I may wrestle. The Jehovah's witness looked inspired, confused and began to stutter as he chewed on a new idea of God that challenged what he had been taught. I knew in that moment that I was doing the same. I have been stuttering around a new idea of being and living on the planet for a while now and it's time for me to trust more, love more and take the biggest bite I can!
Sunday, 29 September 2013
Which do you choose?
We all have, to some degree, an outer mask. We have all at some point in our lives created a “public persona” that we show to the world. We completely internalise our insecurities and wash them over with ideas that we are happier than we really are, more successful than we really are and more popular than we really are. But there comes a point when this mask we have created to protect ourselves becomes a prison of it's own making. I have read so many clients this last year who's “brave face” has been practised so habitually that it's become it's own separate identity. We all know someone who believes in their own lies, but how many are you telling yourself?
This mask is a pain management skill. I've done it myself and I know of all the little twists and turns it can take you on. I have pretended to be O.K when I wasn't, I have pretended to be “busy and successful” when I was bored and broke, I have pretended to be peaceful when I was angry and I have stood and told everyone around me that I was fine at the times in my life when the pain in my heart was overwhelming. I learned two things during this time of my life. The first, is that people aren't stupid. It doesn't take much to look beneath someone's mask. A discerning eye can see beyond the words you speak to the words you're actually saying. The mask isn't fooling anyone, not even you, not really. The second thing I learned is that when I put the mask down and spoke about my pain, it was O.K. Nothing exploded and all my limbs remained in tact. It is O.K. To let it all out,find a good friend, get a diary, anything really, just find a space where you can honour your own honesty.
Of course your life changes when you speak the truth but it always changes for the better. I learned who my real friends were, who was there for me and gained incredible strength in authenticity.
Your ability to be vulnerable is one of your greatest strengths. A persona designed to protect your wounds only ever eventually creates a place for them to grow. You have a choice in each moment of your life to self promote a false ideal or to speak your truth. Which do you choose?
Sunday, 31 March 2013
Happy Easter everyone!
Swansea looks beautiful today as the first taste of spring hits the sea turning it from its usual silver to a shining blue. I am curled up in my creative space writing away, chatting to the dog and he is fearlessly guarding me from his own reflection in the windows. This morning is all about chocolate! I thought I would do a small Easter hunt for my boyfriend and got a whole bunch of chocolate bunnies and hid them around the house. He loved it and it was cute watching him try and reach the things I had put on the higher shelves! Of course I got caught up in all the excitement and have forgotten where I have put one of the bunnies. So, with summer on it's way we are both going to have to wait until something smells before we find the damn thing! Fingers crossed we come across it before it goes green and fluffy...
Our anniversary went brilliantly yesterday and we just spent the whole day doing exactly what we felt like, which to be honest, wasn't much. We have both built a life that celebrates each other constantly so it's awesome doing things we would normally do on a special occasions. We buy each other presents, and go to see things we want to see and it doesn't matter if its an occasion or not. It was just another awesome day for us.
The tour is all a go and after putting it all up on the website it has become scarily real. I'm keeping myself centred throughout it and making sure I don't fall back onto old obsessive habits. I think that's going to be part of the healing this tour is going to give me. Finally laying to rest old wounds and allowing me a space just to enjoy my music and being creative within it. I think as with all healing curves there will be a lot to learn for me this time around. It's just a matter of learning the logistics of it and keeping myself centred. Weirdly I am not actually nervous about the tour itself, or about audience sizes, or about how it is viewed externally. I am more focussed on keeping myself where I am emotionally and spiritually and there's plenty of time between now and then to do a little work on myself.
With it being Easter I guess it's time for me to follow the magic in the air and give a little re birth to myself. See which parts I want to take forward and which ones to leave behind.
Big Love and Chocolate!
Saturday, 23 March 2013
So, the bruising on my back has started to heal and yes I'm hobbling around the house like something out of a horror movie but thankfully Stupot has a week off so I'm being looked after and being a pharmacist I can have all the meds I want!! If I wanted to spend the week believing Im a flying unicorn I'm sure he could hook me up! Although to be honest I always hate taking pills, I'm not sure if it's because of the chemicals or not but just never been a massive fan!
We were planning on going to Cornwall for a few days because our anniversary is this week ( 3 years!!! what happened there?! ) but seeing as Cornwall is having it's own mini apocolypse I think I'll just drag me and the boy to Bristol to see the aquarium. I'm also dying to go to the natural history museum in London to see giant dinosaur bones but if we can't fit that in this week I shall organise a giant trip. The kind of trip with a mini bus and packed lunches. Ooh, that is so happening, I'll put the feelers out today.
I started painting on the 4 x 4 tiny plaques of wood I bought months ago and they actually turned out alright. I've learned it benefits to sand the wood first and I think I'm going to need new pens ( stationary addict ) so today is going to be a good day.
Friday, 22 March 2013
Yup, I did it again! As I was getting into the shower yesterday the matt slipped and my naked butt was slapped most ungraciously onto the cold tile floor and my foot twisted itself almost into the plughole. I am taking in the whole experience as a talent because we have the smallest cubicle for a shower there ever was and to fall on your way INTO it is an achievement in itself. You know that horrible moment after you fall over and you do a sort of "systems check"? You know, right, nothing is broken, bleeding or too painful, so all is well? Well after that I seemed all ok except the fall for some reason seemed to trigger a migraine so I spent ALL of yesterday in bed. Annoying doesn't cover it. I had plans for blogging and painting and making music but no, me and bruised buttocks were forced into a day of nothingness. On the plus side I caught up on a lot of sleep. My boyfriend temporarily convinced himself that I had a concussion but as soon as that drama passed it was back to the most appropriate response....ridicule. On that note I have actually been spelling ridiculous as REdiculous for years and never knew I was making a spelling mistake. No wonder I was lashed, maybe it was the writing Gods?
I never thought of myself as a person who falls over. There always seems a type doesn't there? I never considered myself to be it but apparently I am. I swear I looked like a praying mantis on ice. I have in the last few years thrown myself down a few stair cases, concrete ones in my last house which came complete with my flip flop doing the cliche'd "doioioiongg" motion as it jammed itself into the shed door and possibly the most embarrassing was when I fell down the length of stairs ( about 30 - 40 ish ) in the local Monkey Bar and then COLLIDED into a group of smartly dressed handsome boys at the foot of the stairs.... You know those moments when you hope your shame will cause your entire body to implode?? Yeah.... that. Its weird how your own response is either to get up sharply and pretend as if nothing has happened strutting away glassy eyed and limping or to feign even greater injury to attempt to snuffle the giggles. I've done both but yesterday was special, and painful....
Ryan McSoreButt James
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
Today was spent mostly in recovery of "TakeAway Tuesdays" and my first trial of a chinease beancurd curry! I woke this morning to find my poor little woofit had barfed on the new rug ( typical ) after he had decided it was a good idea to chomp on the freshly piled manure in the local park yesterday. So two sore bellies in our house! And for some reason known only to me and God I thought a milkshake might help my belly... and yes, many boys did turn up to my yard. If only to be repelled again by what the milkshake did to an already uneasy stomach. Thankfully the woofit and I are sat in my creative room sharing a blanket and both snoozing and watching films.
With it being the equinox today I wanted to take the theme of balance and apply it to some of the projects and business' I am interested in. I can almost feel a conclusion or solution forming in the back of my head somewhere to some of the bits and pieces I wanted resolving recently. I went to an animation open day to explore doing another degree in the subject but I also really want to develope another business idea I have. I'm really deciding whether I can do both effectively at the moment and I feel the solution is close. I know I CAN do both, it's just whether I can do both well, especially with the books, art and music all coming together too. I may need another Virgo List-Fest Brainstorming session soon ( you have no idea how much that excites me, I may even buy a new pen ).
Now, thank fully that bloody mercury retrograde has passed and the unhealed wounds that have slapped me in the face over the last few weeks have been healed, transcended and thankfully released I can get to work on the next phaze of my spiritual journey which I know is to definately listen more. I run a class in intuitive coaching every other monday and after the last class I sat and did some "reading" of my own energy and I felt more inconsistencies that I would like, nothing huge, but taking care of the small bits before they slap you on the head has in my experience always been the best thing to do. So, I'm going to practice a little of what I preach and use what I have to centre myself for the next month or two. I think it's going to be interesting.
I think I'll sign out for now as this is the third blog I've written in today. I have had a mild internet snoop to see if there are any other bloggers out there I can connect to but nothing as of yet. I shall keep looking though.
Friday, 22 February 2013
- tired in bed watching the sea....
I say this every damn time but I promise you I don't mean to leave big gaps between posts in my personal blog. Things have been a bit crazy here but once I decided it was best to not “Duck and Cover” I started gathering what I needed to not only move forward but to do it peacefully. Basically I'm doing an absolute TONNE of re branding, re designing, of all my creative works into one cohesive space. All of my art, my music, my creative writing, my poems and all the bits and pieces in between are all going in one space. I physically do not have the time to chase around 7 different websites. It's all in the process of being in one place which is good I think but the only trick is to do that and not make it look completely chaotic.
Obviously in the middle of all that I receive the intuitive message that it's time to re brand the spiritual website in order to help my work reach a wider audience and prepare for my upcoming book, which yes, I am writing at the moment ( going good too! ). I am also writing the chapter outlines for the preceding book to that which needs to be done because they kind of coincide with each other. I have also just received the quote for another website I'm having built which I am RIDICULOUSLY excited about but also need a healthy lump sum to get going and in the middle of all this crazyness I decided it would be a good idea to explore going to back to University part time. Put all this with a busy day job, recording an album and keeping up with a social life has left me this morning, as expected, crashed out in bed.
It does sound like a lot on paper and believe me it is a lot in real life too but I have learned from mistakes of the past and I take regular time out to look after myself, walk my dog and spend time with my boyfriend. Doing all of this and doing it peacefully means doing it incrementally too. Piece by piece, day by day I slowly chip away at going through my lists and do my best to stick to my weekly plan ( a little tool I adopted years ago which saves my life constantly ). I always take a day off in the week to veg out, draw and watch ridiculous sci fi, really the worse the better. I don't know what it says about me but I actually started watching LOST recently. It doesn't scare me that I'm watching it but the fact I completely understand it sends cold sweats down my spine...
But I digress...
I'm busy but good busy, happy and loved, I have things to work towards and friends to share it with. Life is good and kind and peaceful and I feel lucky to be in a position where I can create more platforms to share with you.
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