Monday, 30 September 2013

Chewing on a new idea...

Chewing on a new idea.

It is not very often in my life that I have felt truly lost. Don't get me wrong I regularly wander around the workings of my life like most people at some point feeling dazed and confused but I rarely, truly feel lost, especially as much as I have done this past year. Lost is that feeling of a quiet desperation behind a polite smile. Lost is a busy life masking a mind in pain. Lost is filling your time with the goals and dreams of others at the cost of your own heart. All of which I have done at points this year. My mum said that a lot of people “go a little funny” in their early thirties. It might be me dealing with no longer being young or maybe me not being where I thought I would be in my life. I have been forced into a state of perpetual surrender this past few years as I have opened my life to the feeling of true peace. The brighter this peace has become in my life the more glaringly obvious everything that is not of that peace has become.

I have prayed hard, talked to my friends relentlessly and done my best to ride the wave of evolution that has been working it's way through my system. I am generally the kind of person who, when I don't know what to do, I do EVERYTHING, and I mean everything. I work at every idea that crosses my mind and in the panic that has infiltrated my system over this last year it has often lead me to confuse desperate attempts at connection with genuine intuitive hunches. I know in my heart that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and exactly where I want to be. I know in my heart that I am living the life I am meant to and the life that is best for me but I also feel that the old remnants of an ego centred view of my life are preventing me from truly taking a good bite of the joy I have.

Each new level of self love demands a new level of trust in the Universe/God/The angels. I have put my life and my centre in it's hands plenty of times and been taken care of but my ego is effectively deceptive at helping me to forget to trust God. A jehovah's witness knocked my door the other day and began to unravel a picture of God as an absentee parent figure who is about to come back and give us all a slap around the head for being naughty boys and girls. I told him that God was the action of silence and he rests that silence on our heads because he has already put the answers to every question we may ever have in our hearts. We already know, I already know, as much as I may wrestle. The Jehovah's witness looked inspired, confused and began to stutter as he chewed on a new idea of God that challenged what he had been taught. I knew in that moment that I was doing the same. I have been stuttering around a new idea of being and living on the planet for a while now and it's time for me to trust more, love more and take the biggest bite I can!

Big Love

Ryan James


Sunday, 29 September 2013

Your mask is pain management, nothing more.

Which do you choose?

We all have, to some degree, an outer mask. We have all at some point in our lives created a “public persona” that we show to the world. We completely internalise our insecurities and wash them over with ideas that we are happier than we really are, more successful than we really are and more popular than we really are. But there comes a point when this mask we have created to protect ourselves becomes a prison of it's own making. I have read so many clients this last year who's “brave face” has been practised so habitually that it's become it's own separate identity. We all know someone who believes in their own lies, but how many are you telling yourself?

This mask is a pain management skill. I've done it myself and I know of all the little twists and turns it can take you on. I have pretended to be O.K when I wasn't, I have pretended to be “busy and successful” when I was bored and broke, I have pretended to be peaceful when I was angry and I have stood and told everyone around me that I was fine at the times in my life when the pain in my heart was overwhelming. I learned two things during this time of my life. The first, is that people aren't stupid. It doesn't take much to look beneath someone's mask. A discerning eye can see beyond the words you speak to the words you're actually saying. The mask isn't fooling anyone, not even you, not really. The second thing I learned is that when I put the mask down and spoke about my pain, it was O.K. Nothing exploded and all my limbs remained in tact. It is O.K. To let it all out,find a good friend, get a diary, anything really, just find a space where you can honour your own honesty.

Of course your life changes when you speak the truth but it always changes for the better. I learned who my real friends were, who was there for me and gained incredible strength in authenticity.
Your ability to be vulnerable is one of your greatest strengths. A persona designed to protect your wounds only ever eventually creates a place for them to grow. You have a choice in each moment of your life to self promote a false ideal or to speak your truth. Which do you choose?

Big Love

Ryan James