Tuesday, 7 June 2011

A Rude Awakening....

Its time to write again. I feel like there’s so much to get off my chest and this quiet little space of the internet is the perfect place to do it.

I’m reorganising, re identifying, prioritising, pulling myself apart and putting pieces back together again and to be honest THANK HADES. I can’t believe how I much I disconnected, how much I betrayed my kind. My path with music has been going a long time and the second I start to feel like I’m finally living the life I want I SELL OUT. I abandon art, expression, invention, creativity and give it all up to the “show man”. The gigs weren’t itching that scratch. But how fucking could they, you get what you give and I was NOT giving myself, my soul, my heart, my heat. I was playing a part and getting nothing in return. This is beyond griping at low audience levels, lack of inspiration or shitty venues. This year so far I have gigged HARD and learned alot, and more importantly learned alot about myself.

I’m not going to pretend any more. What’s the point in saying how much of a great time you had at a gig when in my heart I felt HEAVY, LOST, ANGRY, CONFUSED. What point am I trying to make? Who’s approval am I seeking? I’ve bought into “it”. Let’s all build ourselves an image that doesn’t exist so we can comfort ourselves in the night. So we can wrap ourselves up tight in our own pretence, EGO and dishonesty. FUCK IT! That was never the path I wanted to walk, that was NEVER the artist I wanted to be. I have had some amazing teachers in art and expression and I’ve finally begun to tread in the water of who they are and who I’m becoming. It’s all a journey and I’m GRATEFUL that I’m back on mine.

Last week I had the misfortune of playing the PENDINE music festival. Ugh, I cannot describe how utterly shit the whole thing was. Even more weird though was my reaction. I’ve learned to expect a certain level of disorganisation when it comes to these events. And I guess the sign at the gate “WARNING, EXPLOSIONS” should have given me some sort of message. It was quiet, not the 1000 people I had been told about, I played to about 30 people, 15 of which were ten year olds. But then something happened I was not expecting. After being rushed onto the stage the band that had shown up ( someone who was once founding member of hawkwind/please take some time to get over yourself ) and was meant to go on after me starting tuning up DURING MY SET. Now, I’m an acoustic act, so when someone is testing out a DRUM KIT and a SAXAPHONE behind you mid set you can hear them. There are all the SHOULDS, when something like this happens. Things you SHOULD have said or SHOULD have done. I was then asked to cut my set short to accommodate these walking EGO’s. I looked around the room and let go. It’s not as if I was fighting for a good crowd or more than three appreciative listeners. I got off the stage and left. In all fairness, the promoters and event organisers apologised to me profusely, but my heart wasn’t heavy. I was relieved to be off that stage and on my way home. On the way home though we did stop at a cool venue and I booked myself a nice gig there for this weekend so the day wasn’t a total bust. It was just another lesson.

I believe that the world we encounter is often a reflection of who we are, of who we are becoming, or of who we are in danger of becoming. That gig, those musicians, were a wake up call. I’ve pretty much sat at the piano for the last three or four weeks every day seeking REDEMPTION, ABSOLUTION, REINTEGRATION. I feel alot more clear these last few days, alot more heat in my belly. The passion and inspiration is coming back. Persona. Ego. Self. When you’re scared to take a step into yourself it’s pretty much a sure sign it’s the right one to take and I have been PETRIFIED. I can’t ever again become so wrapped up in pleasing myself, in stroking my own ego to lose sight of my art.

Something has shifted and Im grateful for it. I will make a promise here and now to always be HONEST with you and more importantly HONEST with my self. Expect more, I now do.

So much love,
Ryan x

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