Monday, 14 December 2009

Clearing up the past...

I loved him with all the passion and fury a 19 year old has. A passion and fury I was told I could never have again, a passion and fury I convinced myself I didn't want again...and the day I decided I was ready to love again my life CHANGED. And here I am again, Ten years on, suddenly talking about you. Your suddenly involved in my life again and to be honest, it just feels weird!

One of the things about the gay community is that here in Wales it's quite small, small enough that at some points in can be quite incestious. Someone's ex is always someone else's and here in Swansea that sort of thing is rife. It's been one of the things I hated about the gay scene, you can't really go out and get drunk to get over your ex when he's on the same dance floor trying to pull someone, so, I let the scene go for a while. I turned to music and to my crafts and became focussed elsewhere partly to escape and partly to protect myself. I guess a bigger part of me knew just how self destructive I used to be and pulled me out of that whole cycle and for that I am thankful! And now im back on the love vibration and I guess I'm being called to clean up some old messes, I spoke to you for the first time in 6 years a while ago and it felt like relief. I felt like we had tied everything up, I felt like I finally had the goodbye I didn't, I wasn't ever expecting to be sat there with ANOTHER one of your ex's. I certainly didn't expect to be sat there with one of your Ex's while on a DATE with them. I was already at the he-just-kissed-me-and-I-got-butterflies-omigod-its-been-years-since-I-felt-this stage and then it tuns out we had more in common than I thought. We had you.

When my heart first broke I made a promise to myself to never be in love again. And I haven't been since. But a decision made in anger and pain has now had the chance to be undone. I liked him and I CHOSE... I CHOSE to persue that feeling. I chose that I would love again. It doesn't surprise me that you, your energy was involved in that whole process. You were there when I first loved, you were there when I first turned away, and you were there ten years later when I turned back. Thank you. I am who I am because of that process and I wouldn't change myself for the world.

I guess this blog has become a letter to you... and although the guy I went on a date with COULDN'T be with me, he was still hurting, still in pain, and from what I hear, still trying to find you. Maybe he was trying to find you in me? But your not there any more, you are my history, not my future. I hope this is the last letter I write to you, the last letter I write about you but I'm not naive, the heart has it's own journey, it heals in it's own time and in it's own way but for now I am thankful for the chance to realise it. Thankful for the opportunity to know how far I have come, thankful for the chance to CHOOSE...once more.


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