Thursday, 10 December 2009

Learning of love.

So are you telling yourself a story to initiate a belief or are you telling yourself a story to escape something? And there’s a FINE LINE between the two. You’d think that there would be an easy way to tell between them but sometimes it’s true that you can be happy as a “pig in shit” but as happy as you are your still a lump of pork knee deep in it’s own mess. You get sign’s from the Universe/Spirit/God; whatever you call it and I believe that…fully. It would seem so much easier too if the messages were clear AT THAT TIME but I’m assured by a sense of my soul that it would take the fun out of it. I swear I’m going to be the happiest most delirious with fun 100 year old in the nursing home….

It’s a familiar time. Incense and candles lit, appropriately melodic music, a million and three unfinished creative projects and a hot drink… I love this space a lot. And here I am today thinking on my favourite subject…love. I’d love to say I’ve met someone and have a million romantic whispers and secrets to tell you all but I haven’t met anyone yet and all my secrets are for me only. I’m here on my own. Not alone in the universe. NEVER alone within myself and free from a burden of emptiness. I feel complete. Loved. And yet I know I’ve turned away. Not from universal love, not from love for myself, but this last year has made me fearful of beginning any kind of relationship. More than any previous heartbreak I have experienced true terror this year… and lived. I faced an old lover… and smiled. I faced a new lover… and walked away. I cunningly deceived myself and chose love for MYSELF. And in that I never had to let anyone in. Or let anything out. I could stay in this space for years and feel its warmth, I could feel it’s bliss ( and I do ) and I could feel it’s love but without putting too fine a point on it staying here means I can’t grow any more than where I am and growing is a word that nature has shown us can lead to great things.

There is always a choice, moment by moment, thought by thought, word by word and at each turn I have vowed to choose love. I have done my best to prepare myself for love’s grace and create that in a union with another human being. In order to do that I have had to HEAL, I’ve had to learn how to FEEL…again. I have had to GROW UP and GROW OUT of a lot of self-inflicting behaviours and here I stand. At the end of one journey and at the very beginning of another. Do I choose love again? Do I risk getting hurt again? Do I risk loving again? It’s been a road too long to give up now so I guess it’s all in or all out…

I will walk towards the day I write a brand new love song. I will walk towards the day I can hold your hand. I will walk towards the day we rest our heads on feather filled pillows and share our dreams. I’d be lying if I said that sometimes I feel like giving up, that I feel like laying in the safe place and being here but I am so thank-filled by a memory of what love feels like and I am blessed by the KNOWING that I can feel that again… and more. To be loved by another human being is a blessing and to love them back, bliss absolute.

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